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B*tch Who Sells Candles Thinks She’s a F***ing Businesswoman

Latest Wacky Trend in Parenting: Holding Your Tongue

By Abby Byrd of Little Miss Perfect

Chesterton residents report that 34-year-old Robin Zergel, who introduces herself as a “Scentsy consultant,” thinks she’s a fucking businesswoman now or some shit.

Sources say that Zergel, a stay-at-home mom of three, recently adorned her rear windshield with a decal proclaiming her “independent consultant” status with the Scentsy company.

“I saw that decal and I was like, ‘Shit,’” said a neighbor of Zergel’s, who wished to remain anonymous. “She be trippin. She sell candles. Them candles be a multi-level marketing scheme anyways.”

“If Robin tells me how ‘amazing’ the cucumber-melon is one more time,” reported another anonymous neighbor, “I will punch her in her fat ‘consultant’ face.”

Zergel’s sister Deborah confirmed that she has been keeping her house in a perpetual state of renovation to avoid being asked to have a Scentsy party.

Zergel’s husband, Carl, told reporters that every time he sees his wife’s “sad, reaching” business cards, he dies a little inside. He also reported living in fear of being asked to take the Scentsy catalog to his workplace.

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About the Author

Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy/Club Mid, In The Powder Room, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, The Good Men Project, The Reject Pile, and The Big Jewel, as well as in two anthologies. She is a frequent contributor to MockMom. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.