By Meisha Rosenberg of meisha-rosenberg.squarespace.com

Because I care that much about the environment, I’m one of those people who will keep an empty juice bottle in her purse for hundreds of miles on the highway home from vacation, just so I can throw it in the recycling bin. I buy organic. Yup, I’m annoying: you can find me in the winter, bundled up, laboriously picking my way over the ice to dump the week’s tea leaves, mold and all, into an expensive space-age composter in the backyard. 

The problem is, all this work is exhausting for me, a mom who already has her hands full of the mysterious garbage I find everywhere, like the raisins living in a Lego bin. The ice caps are still melting. And as a parent, being environmentally responsible is like running an ultramarathon with a recycling bin on your back, burdened with mountains of Paw Patrol paraphernalia and a gajillion un-recyclable party favors.

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Then I had an epiphany. Maybe it was the moment my son launched a bottle cap at my head using a simple home-made catapult that finally made me realize I had been going about it in totally the wrong way. He was a pro at recycling, it dawned on me. You just have to let kids alone to do their thing. Now, the whole family’s saving the environment by being lazy, smelly slobs, and you can do it too! Here I share with you 20 kid-friendly tips.

Don’t Throw Stuff Away: Throw It at Other People!!!!

Re-purpose an empty juice box for whopping a sibling over the head.

If this doesn’t annoy people enough, use just about any materials at hand for drumming on the counter: popsicle sticks, silverware, chopsticks, paper-towel rolls…

Save on the expense of composting or worm bins; let food and packaging fall to the floor for the dog to eat.

Do not bother to squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube or even screw the top shut; remember, whatever you leave covered with ooze at the back of the bathroom cabinet is one less item in a landfill.

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Only Use Paper Products If You Absolutely Have To.

Never use tissues; wipe on the couch or Dad’s favorite blanket.

No napkins needed. After every meal, let the dog lick your face clean.

Do not let wasteful adults convince you to use paper for homework; hold out for typing on the computer (and sneaking in an hour of video games).

Expensive store-bought cards are not your style; when the occasion calls for it, scribble “Happy Birthday” or “Happy Holidays” on the construction paper your Mom bought when you were two in hopes that you would become an artist. Add the recipient’s name, with correct spelling, only if you really want to show you care.

Save Energy by Being Lazy.

To cool down and save on AC, dump the entire contents of a (reusable) bottle of water on your head. This method also entertains friends, who save electricity by not needing to watch TV.

When your parents tell you to turn off your video game to drive somewhere in the car, have a tantrum; repeated over many years, this strategy will save hundreds, perhaps thousands, of gallons of gas.

Any time you feel like it, use your mouth to make tooting noises; your voice is the environmental gas leak emergency system announcer to the world.

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Who Needs Water or Soap? Not Me!!!

Hand-washing procedure: No soap; one-second rinse; wipe hands on shirt.

Wear the same t-shirt and sweatpants for days at a time to drastically reduce laundry usage.

Do not drink precious water. Whine until you get Gatorade.

Chug directly from the bottle and save the hassle of using cups.

Forget to flush. This saves more water than those new low-flush toilets. If the toilet clogs by accident, do not tell anyone.

Exercise in the Comfort of Your Own Home.

For exercise, jump up and down, scream, and drum on the counter, foregoing gym memberships and workout DVDs.

If this doesn’t work, you can literally climb the walls, using couches, windowsills, and tables for leverage.

Cultivate a long list of foods, including all protein and vegetables, that you refuse to eat. Eventually your parents will give you the pre-packaged foods you desire, saving on that expensive organic produce that usually just rots in the fridge anyway.

Rarely do what is asked of you and don’t join those clubs or teams your parents and teachers are always talking about; you must conserve your energy for later when your generation will really need to save the planet.

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About the Author

When Meisha Rosenberg is not seeking recycling bins for the random plastic trash she carries around, she’s an award-winning writer in Upstate New York. Find out more at http://meisha-rosenberg.squarespace.com/