As we close out this gem of a year, I find myself in the enviable position of having disposable funds to spend. Where did this money magically appear? Well, at the end 2019, I was under the delusion that this year would be normal, so I elected my employer to extract funds from my paycheck to be put into an FSA.

For the uninitiated, FSA stands for Flex-Spending Account, and it’s a scam invented to make us feel like we’re saving money by having it taken out of our paychecks before taxes. Like a boss, I told the IRS to suck it, while I took the max amount ($2,700) from my paycheck and put it into an FSA so I wouldn’t feel the hit of my deductible out-of-pocket.

The fun part is that if I don’t use that money by December 31st, I lose it. Yay. Kinda makes me think that the $20 I saved on taxes isn’t worth it, especially because as of a week ago, I had over 2 large left in the account. I’ve been confusing the hell out of every billing department I’ve spoken with.

“Sir, I have great news, you currently have no balance with us! Merry Christmas to you and your family!”

“Are you SERIOUS! Not even a little bit?! You can rot in hell!”

I know it’s not these poor saps’ fault, but I become enraged at the thought that my money is going straight into the pockets of some bigwig spending the holidays on the slopes in Vail. I’m not paying for your après-ski soirée this year, Charles!

I’d rather set my leftover cash aflame than let some rich asshole absorb my bad decision, but unfortunately, I’m only allowed to spend it on certain medically necessary items, which has left me in quite a quandary. Luckily, there is a website that has a list of all the qualifying expenses.

I’m still not sure how I’ll get there, but right now I’m thinking I might buy 2k worth of laxatives to give to Charles. That’ll really wreck his holiday vacation.