Bachelor Petitions to Ban All Mention of Children from Facebook

Bachelor Petitions To Ban All Mention of Children from Facebook

By Yvette Manes of AquaSeventy6

Mr. Scott F. Harrison of Charlotte, N.C., has started a petition in the hopes of banning all mention of children from the popular social media outlet Facebook.

“It has gotten out of hand,” Mr. Harrison stated in a recent interview with the Charlotte Explorer. “Facebook is supposed to be a place where I can discuss fantasy football, criticize politicians, and give my real-time reactions to TV series finales. Instead, I am inundated with baby photos and pictures of families at the Magic Kingdom. Last week, my sister-in-law posted a picture of my nephew’s straight-A report card. It is appalling!” (Arlene Stevens-Harrison, Mr. Harrison’s sister-in-law, declined to comment for this article.)

When asked why he simply did not use the “hide” or “unfollow” features Facebook offers, Mr. Harrison replied, “I shouldn’t have to go out of my way to ‘hide’ anything. It isn’t my fault that these people aren’t smart enough to ‘get’ my passive-aggressive status updates. They should be hiding their own posts!”

The following are examples of these self-proclaimed passive-aggressive posts, courtesy of Mr. Harrison:

Scott F. Harrison: Stop posting pictures of your kids at theme parks. You are contributing to the capitalism of Orlando, FL. You might as well have wiped your ass with all of that money you just blew so that your kid could take a picture with a pedophile dressed like a rat.

Scott F. Harrison: No one gives a crap if your kid made straight A’s. He should be getting a part-time job to help pay for all those trips to Disney World you take.

Scott F. Harrison: Don’t your kids realize ‘Participation Trophies’ don’t mean anything?

Scott F. Harrison:  If I see one more Daddy-Daughter Dance photo I will start a campaign to ban the mention of all children from Facebook.

The Explorer reached out to several of Mr. Harrison’s Facebook friends for comment. Only one friend replied to our request, but asked not to be identified.

“Honestly, I had forgotten that we were still Facebook friends. I hid his posts years ago. I think it was after he gave away the ending to ‘Breaking Bad.’ Who does that?!”

Mr. Harrison’s petition currently has eight signatures.


About the Author

Yvette Manes is a freelance writer, audiobook & podcast enthusiast, compulsive redecorator & cheapskate fashionista. The proud Florida native is a blogger at AquaSeventy6 and has the reputation of being kinda crafty. You can find her work on Club Mid, Scary Mommy and in the Notes app on her iPhone. When she’s not embarrassing her two teenagers by booty dancing in public, she’s eating her way around town with her husband of 17 years. Find her on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.