By Leigh Lewis
Advice From The Parent Trap: An advice column by Elizabeth James and Nick Parker, the Mom and Dad in The Parent Trap (the 1998 remake, starring Lindsay Lohan).
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Dear Elizabeth and Nick,
We are newlyweds with 5 kids between us, and both with big jobs. I’m finding that the responsibilities around the house and the children are disproportionately falling to me. Please help!
Signed,
Doing It All
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Dear Doing It All,
The house and children are jobs for the nanny/butler.
A-Parently,
Elizabeth and Nick
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Dear Elizabeth and Nick,
My son just never seems interested in anything! I worry that he’ll be a social pariah if he doesn’t learn to do/play/join SOMETHING! Anything! Suggestions, please?
Sincerely,
Pick a Hobby!
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Dear Pick a Hobby!
For fear of stating the obvious, have you looked into poker lessons? It’s best if he learns to play online, in secret, so that next time he’s around other kids, he can shark them for every dime they’ve got. Better yet, he can make them get naked and jump in a lake. Friends by the dozen!
Or, how’s about fencing? Nothing like making TONS of buddies while hidden behind a mask and holding a sword. Draws other kids in like flies!
Have you considered French? Nothing piques the interest of other children like another child speaking in a language they can’t understand. Just ask any foreign exchange student. Instant acceptance!
Last suggestion: have your nanny/butler teach him an incredibly complex 18-move secret handshake. Then have him perform it with his nanny/butler, preferably in front of the whole school. Hello, future prom king!
A-Parently,
E&N
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Dear Elizabeth and Nick,
Any tips for an amazing family reunion this summer?
Sincerely,
Looking for Good, Healthy Fun
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Dear Looking for Good, Healthy Fun,
If you haven’t been on a cruise, you are missing out. Can’t think of a single reason not to take everyone you love on a cruise this summer. It’s what any loving, responsible parent would do. What could be healthier than sun at sea? Have the kiddos bunk up with the nanny/butler.
A-Parently,
E&N
P.S.- Nick here. If you can bring the Concorde out of retirement to get you to the harbor, do it! Cuts your travel time in half. Have the nanny/butler make some calls.
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Dear Elizabeth and Nick,
My daughter went away all summer for camp, and in the past 3 days I fell in love with a teenage woman. I can’t wait for my daughter to return so I can tell her she’ll have a new mother, even though I refuse to talk about her actual mother who left when she was baby because, you know, we got in an argument. My nanny/butler says it’s too soon to tell my daughter AND too soon to get married. Is it too soon?
Sincerely,
I Heart a Teenage Woman
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Dear I Heart a Teenage Woman,
Nick here. Your daughter will be thrilled to have a new mommy/sister. Your nanny/butler is right.
A-Parently,
E&N
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Dear Elizabeth and Nick,
How do I get my child to stop saying the “f” word?
Sincerely,
At Sea in my Mind
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Dear At Sea in my Mind,
Elizabeth here. While I used to think the “f” word was a dirty one, I’d be out of my fucking mind to not just allow my daughter to say “father” whenever she wishes.
A-Parently,
E&N
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Dear Elizabeth and Nick,
Our dog ran away and our son is inconsolable. What should we do?
Sincerely,
Boy’s Best Friend Has Gone A-missing
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Dear Boy’s Best Friend Has Gone A-missing,
Just go buy your son a new dog of the same breed and call it by the same name. You have a nanny/butler, right? Pay them to join in the ruse. Your son will be so relieved to see his dog again he’ll literally never notice it’s a completely different animal. Easy-Peasy!
A-Parently,
E&N
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About the Author
Leigh Lewis is a children’s writer who often writes things that just might scar children. She’s got pieces that make her one sister laugh and her mom cringe on The Disappointed Housewife, Points In Case, The Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady Comedy and Everyday Fiction. She can be found lurking, mocking, whining and sometimes clogging @leighwriting on Twitter and Instagram.