There is a strange story coming out of the Australian coast, as 23 passengers were forcibly removed from the Carnival Legend after starting a huge fist fight on Friday, causing the ship to make an unexpected stop in Eden, New South Wales. As it happens, I’m fresh off a different Carnival cruise this week–a bargain basement vacation filled with bargain basement clientele. So when I saw this headline, I was not shocked.

Carnival passengers? Belligerent and sleazy? A bunch of drunk cheapskates trapped within the confines of a mangy ocean liner brawling?  What a surprise! (I hope you read that in the most sarcastic tone possible.)

The Aussie folks in question had reportedly threatened to stab people and throw them overboard before coming to blows. Thems fightin’ words, Cletus.

An Australian news source says that the rumble started over a misunderstanding about a thong. (Does “thong” in Australian refer to the footwear or the G-string? Because the plot is thickening, friends.)

There’s even a photo of one of the offenders looking very remorseful as he’s escorted off the ship. He appears to be waving goodbye with just the one finger.

I’m not saying Carnival is tacky, but on my cruise I saw 52 barbed wire arm tattoos–on the women.

I’m not saying Carnival is tacky, but did you know that Crocs come in camo print–for adult men? Because they are ubiquitous on Carnival.

I’m not saying Carnival is tacky, but onboard musicians are required to know all the cover songs to Jimmy Buffet, Nickelback, and Kid Rock–no matter which instrument they play. (And dare I say, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard Bawidaba on the piccolo).

Ok, maybe I am saying Carnival is tacky. They probably decided on their name because most patrons look like they belong in a carnival.

Even the “elegant dining night” on my cruise was comically ratty. It was like Walmart prom. The men wore bolo ties, and the women?

Sweet.

Jesus.

The women accessorized their sequined, Hot Topic evening gowns with bedazzled scrunchies and flip flops. One of them had a glitter fanny pack in lieu of a clutch. I think I even saw a grandma carrying a sparkly bingo dobber bag that matched her electronic voice box.

So, ladies and gentlemen, if you’re planning to book your own cheapskate maritime vacation, just know that when you purchase that all-you-can-eat floating buffet, you’ll also be buying a week in the company of girls named “Methany” and “Tramp-Stamp Tammy.” You’ve been warned.

Bon Voyage, bitches.