Throws pillows are a necessity if you really want to claim that you're adult. FYI.
Humor SPM/MM

Adulting AF—Throw Pillow Edition

If you’re anything like me, you may have looked at your house a few times in your life and thought, “What the fuck? A grownup doesn’t live here. Oh no.”

And I get it.

Maybe it’s the “visual scrapbook” effect your furnishings are projecting, mementos of discounts past or collected from various friends who’d discarded them. Who are you to think you’re better than rescuing Jennifer’s old end tables anyway?

Or perhaps it’s the random, eclectic nature of your decor? Hello, novelty photo frame! Hello, candles from so-and-so’s wedding! Hello, souvenir from [insert family member]’s trip to South America!

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I get it.

Yet other people seem to really have their shit together when it comes to their interior decor. Their house screams, “I’m an adult!” “I pay my taxes!” “I bought all this shit on the same day!”

So how can we get from point A to point B? Again, if you’re like me, the quest to bridge this gap may have led you to Google something along the lines of “How to make your house look like adults are living there.”

Which brings us to the topic at hand: Throw Pillows.

What are Throw Pillows?

“Responsible people live here”

Throw pillows are decorative cushions that people toss about on furniture surfaces to give the illusion that their adulting game is on point.

Throw pillows range from “comfortable” to “rock hard travesty” and are sometimes covered in uncomfortable, impractical material like denim, or feature unusual aesthetic elements that don’t belong anywhere (such as tassels).

Some throw pillows are small and solidly stuffed. Some throw pillows are large, soft and floppy. Some throw pillows are sassy and say dumb shit like “Nama-stay in bed.”

But what all throw pillows have in common is that their presence in any home ups the adulting factor by at least 25%. Their subtle presence states, “A grownup lives here. A grownup who cares about interior decor. A grownup who had money to burn at Bed Bath and Beyond.”

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Are they Worth Getting?

I’m so glad you asked!

I’ll let you in on a secret—I am not a throw pillow person. My furniture is starkly barren of any plush adornments. However, I’m reconsidering my position given the fact that I’m a 35-year-old woman Googling how to make her house look adult-ier.

Dafuq is dis?

Since I’m cheap as fuck, I have a really difficult time paying for things that serve no real purpose. So in typical neurotic fashion, I set my over-thinkery to work on this issue, dreaming up alternative uses for throw pillows so I can justify the cost of sprinkling them all over my living space.

4 Alternative Uses for Throw Pillows

Passive Aggressive Payback

Picture this—your husband never cleans up after himself.

You’re really not in the mood to tackle the issue with a grown-up conversation, so instead you haul ass to the nearest home decor store and drop $150 bucks on cream-colored plush cushions to litter all over your bedspread.

Every night, you feel a smirking sense of satisfaction watching your husband have to grab and toss a pile of dainty pillows off the bed before nestling into a deep, resentful slumber.

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Catching and Absorbing Your Screams

Life is hard, and sometimes it makes you rage-screamy. This is unpleasant for your kids and the neighbors.

Throw pillow is here to collect your misery. Throw pillow doesn’t judge.

Establishing Dominance When People Enter Your Home

It’s a weekend hangout with a group of friends. You invite them in and tell them to take a seat while you run and grab some cold bevvies—you know, hosting shit.

Your guests look around nervously, having already noticed that every seating place is already occupied by a soft, unassuming foe.

throw pillows on a couch

Now, the complex irony of the situation is that you own those throw pillows to impress the very guests whom you are sending down an anxiety hole with your careful placement of them.

Should one of these guests want to sit down, they’ll need to move the object out of the way. However, despite their casual moniker, actually “throwing” a decorative item onto the floor of someone else’s home is a major social faux pas.

Your guests’ eyes dart around, realizing that the most acceptable solution is to take the cushion off of their chosen seating place and move it to another furniture surface, thus giving the person who chooses to sit there even more shit to move. What ensues is a sick game that’s reminiscent of musical chairs, with the last person to be seated needing to casually place a whole pile of decorative plush items gently to the floor.

A Effective Blocking Tool

If you are an emotionally closed off person, having a throw pillow around can be a great way of placing a physical barrier between you and stressful things like unwanted hugs.

Dreaming of all the hugs I’ve dodged

Additionally, if you hold a throw pillow in both hands and hold it up in front of your eyes, you can effectively block unpleasant visual stimuli like scary films, your sink full of dishes, or your child making a mess.

Probably the most notable way that throw pillows provide a barrier between you and the shit you don’t want to see is when they are used to cover nasty stains on your upholstery.

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OK, I’m Convinced

You had me at screaming. Time to buy some throw pillows.

This post was originally published on Healthy Living for Hot Messes.