By Elizabeth Argyropoulos of Bourgeois Alien
Josh Singleton from Carbondale, Pennsylvania is not impressed with his friend Carl’s Minecraft builds. Josh didn’t look at me during the interview, but from what I could tell from the back of his head while he played, he was not messing around. I asked him if Carl was online now, building with him.
Josh took a long sip of his CapriSun, sighed heavily and answered, “Um….YES, that newb is on. Look at his newb build. You have to understand, I’ve been playing Minecraft for, like, a really, really, really long time. Since I was 6, and then you have these newbs coming in and thinking they can build like I can…when clearly, they cannot. Just look at his blocks…only newbs use oak. The newb is clearly in survival mode, too. He’s probably there just to grief and troll. He doesn’t even know how to switch game modes. He should legally change his name to ‘Newb.’” Josh then leaned into the screen and screamed, “NEWB! NEWB! NEWB!”
Whoa, Josh was as motherfucking serious as a motherfucker.
Josh went on for another 3 hours, never looking at me once, then added finally about his Minecraft expertise, “No one listens to me and my mom is also a newb, because she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. Actually, no one understands what I’m talking about. I’m that good of a builder. Just forget it. You’re clearly a newb, too.”
Hey, hey, hey, just calm down there, fuck face.
I decided to ask Josh’s mother what she thought of her son’s Minecraft builds, but all she could manage to mutter was, “Yes, dear, I AM listening to your Minecraft story…of course it’s interesting…can you look at me when I talk to you? No? Well, OK…”
I’m still not sure if she knew what I asked her. She did, however, give me a Capri Sun and asked if I wanted a Minecraft snack. I’m not going to sugar coat it: the snack did taste newby. Sorry, Mom.
A version of this post was first published on Bourgeois Alien
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About the Author
Elizabeth Argyropoulos, also known as, “Bourgeois Alien” on Twitter and on her website by the same name, has always thought of herself as funny…but not funny, “ha ha” more of a, “ha ha, wow…that’s sad” kind of way. She has a degree in English Lit and studied improv at Second City in Chicago. While living in Chicago, she met, married, and moved to Greece for a almost a decade with her perfectly loud Greek husband. While in Greece, together they produced an even louder Greek-American son. They now all live in happily Florida, where they all fear they’ll be eaten by gators or man-size mosquitoes.