Humor Parenting

How to Host a Sub-Par Children’s Birthday Party

By Kelly Bay of Beer and Junk

Not to brag, but I totally threw the most fabulously sub-par birthday party for my son this year. I know what you’re thinking: “How do you do it, Kelly? There are so few resources available for those of us striving to underwhelm!”

I feel your pain. I know you’re out there like I was, frantically searching the internet and wondering just how you are going to give your child the absolute least extravagant birthday party the neighborhood has ever seen.

So to help, I’ve put together this step by step guide to hosting a sub-par children’s birthday party. You won’t find any of these tips on Pinterest (believe me, I looked), but I want you to know that you are completely capable of under-performing in this area of your life, too.

One: Forget that your child’s birthday is in June and that invites will need to be addressed and sent to school before the end of the school year. Glare at husband every time he reminds you that invites will need to be sent to school before the end of the school year.

Two: Wait until the night before the last day of school and make six-year-old stay up late to help fill out invitations. Make two lists of invites: classmates and neighborhood friends. Put classmates’ invitations in child’s backpack a full ten hours before the last day of school and pat yourself on the back for being so organized.

Three: Forget to hand out invitations to neighborhood kids and family friends.

Four: Glare at husband when he asks if you have anything planned for party favor bags. Plan said husband’s early demise when he states, “That’s too bad; kids really love party favor bags.”

Five: Realize you have nothing planned to entertain 20 six-year-olds.

Six: Contact friend who rents out bounce house for the low, low price of a case of Busch Light. Thank the birthday gods for friends who rent out bounce houses for cases of Busch Light.

Seven: Send son with nanny to pick out a cake pan for his special day. Remember that you are incapable of cake decorating when they come home with a baseball-glove-shaped piece of aluminum that you know will end up looking like a pile of dog poop.

Eight: Glare at husband when he questions why you are unable to learn to decorate a cake in three days.

Nine: Convince son that a Dairy Queen ice cream cake is the way to go.

Ten: Realize that you forgot to write, “No gifts, please” on invitations. Try in vain to convince RSVP-ing parents that they don’t need to bring a gift.

Eleven: Joke with fellow mom that your son is really into Pinot Grigio; it’s at the top of his birthday wish list.

Twelve: Realize that you forgot to call Dairy Queen to order birthday cake.

Thirteen: Call Dairy Queen, answer in the affirmative to the question, “You want to pick this up today? Like today, today?”

Fourteen: Hug fellow mom when she shows up with gift bag containing bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Fifteen: Finally realize that you forgot to send invites for neighborhood kids and family friends. Walk around neighborhood drinking Pinot Grigio and inviting random kids to party.

Sixteen: Continue to drink Pinot Grigio as 20 six-year-olds descend on your home, tearing from bounce house to pizza to ice cream cake to present opening.

Seventeen: Watch as 15 kids leave home with their parents, one yelling, “This was the best party ever!”

Eighteen: Send remainder of kids into the house before realizing that two of them aren’t yours. Try to remember which houses you visited two hours prior to return kids to correct home.

Nineteen: Return excess children to proper address, refill glass of Pinot Grigio, relax.

I know it sounds complicated.

Should you become overwhelmed by the number of steps, just remember the most important elements: bounce house, Busch Light, Pinot Grigio, as many kids as you can round up. You can always substitute a sprinkler for a bounce house; just don’t forget to add alcohol.

And no matter what your spouse says, kids don’t give a shit about party favor bags.

This post was originally published on Beer and Junk


About the Author

Kelly Bay is a mom, wife, business owner and all around boss lady. In her free time she enjoys writing, day drinking and not cleaning her house. She has been published on She is Fierce, Sammiches and Psych Meds and Scary Mommy. Read more of her thoughts on parenting, raising strong girls, mindfulness and finding joy in the chaos at and follow Kelly on Facebook and Pinterest