By Julie Burton of Bug Bytes
I have a rage. I do, I’ll admit it. I would call the Devil himself to sit down with me to bargain how we can make Kansas State win a National Title, the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl and the Kansas City Royals win the World Ser – well, wait a minute here.
This is how all sports fans should be. Here are 6 rules that every sports fan should follow:
1. You root for your birthplace professional team.
If you were born in Portland, Oregon, you root for the Seattle Seahawks. If you were born in Tennessee, you root for the Nashville Predators. If you were born in Chicago, congratulations! You get to choose between the White Sox and the ol’ Cubbies. But you pick one. Do not waver. You were placed on earth in one spot. That spot determines your sports loyalties.
2. You root for the college you attended.
This should be a no-brainer. You root for the thousands of dollars you put into your education. Did you go to a small, private college that no one has heard of? Good, root for them. They need your support. If your college doesn’t have collegiate sports then you should have picked another college.
By all means – do not jump on Alabama’s bandwagon. *Roll tiding my eyes out of my sockets* There is a certain pride that comes with rooting for your own college. You have a history. The university will follow you on your career journey. It becomes blood family.
(Exceptions: Your spouse and children. If you didn’t attend college but your spouse/child did, rooting for your spouse or kid’s college is acceptable. If you attended a different college than your spouse/kid, you always root for your own college. It makes conversations at the dinner table much more entertaining. If you went to two or more colleges, you pick one. Do not waver. Another exception: You didn’t go to college. You are not married and don’t have kids. You pick one. Again, no wavering.)
3. Never wear rival colors.
Put it in your head that the rival colors are always out of style. Have you ever seen me wear anything orange? Gross. Have you ever seen me wear a red shirt with blue jeans? No, I don’t root for KU.
As psychotic as that sounds, I am still a nice person. I have family and friends that root for my rivals. And that’s fine. I love those individuals. I just don’t like their team and fan base as a whole. I love you, Dan. I cherish your friendship. I just don’t like your Broncos.
4. When you win, you’re given 24 hours to celebrate.
Buy the bar a round. Jump on your bed in PJs. Wake up the kids. Shoot fireworks off in your driveway. Trash talk the other team. Turn on SportsTalk radio. Call in – go ahead. Gloat. You deserve it.
And then stop.
Anything more than 24 hours of excessive celebration is annoying. And you are walking a fine line into a territory called sports karma. Your team will lose the next game if you don’t get your act together.
(Exception: When it’s not just a big game, it’s a championship title, your excessive celebration is allowed to continue until the start of next season. And then stop. We get it. You’re in the history books.)
5. When you lose, you’re given 24 hours of deep depression.
Don’t talk to anyone. Snap at others. Don’t take a shower. Get your heart checked because you could have sworn you suffered a mini heart attack last night. Vow to never watch sports again. Blame the refs.
Often times, comfort can be found by talking with other fans in mourning. Sometimes your team will have losing streaks that last years. Don’t you dare give up – look at the Kansas City Royals and my impending death by the Devil.
6. If you’re going to be a bandwagon fan, tread carefully.
There are two types of bandwagon fans:
Fan #1: Your team is out. There are two teams remaining. The nachos taste much better if you have a team to cheer for. What’s there to lose? This is fine to jump on a bandwagon. But only half-assed rooting.
Fan #2: Oh God. These people root for the winningest teams in all sports. They may be a North Carolina NCAA basketball fan and a Texas football fan and a New England Patriots fan and a New York Yankees baseball fan. This is not allowed. You will be written off by others as an asshole. There, I said it.
I know, I know, this is a free country. You can cheer for whomever you want.
But speaking of free country, I don’t know anyone who was born in the United States that cheers for, oh I don’t know, Mexico in the Olympics because you grew up loving the thought of 80 degree winters.
You cheer where you hail from.
*A version of this post was first published on Bug Bytes by Julie Burton
About the Author
Julie Burton is an Overland Park, Kansas mom, wife, writer, and bacon-hater. She is a blogger and contributing author to the humor book, “But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low.” Burton’s an ambassador for National Geographic Kids and has also been named one of the funniest parents on The Today Show, Huffington Post, Babble, and Sammiches and Psych Meds. You can find more from her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or her blog: Bug Bytes. And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop her as a friend.