By Holly Hershberger
When I was 8+ months pregnant with my first baby, my doctor recommended sex if we wanted to get the labor moving. At that point in my pregnancy I was feeling nothing but huge and ugly.
I know, I know, pregnancy is beautiful and a miracle and blah, blah, blah, but living in the sweaty south in June, while pregnant, with acne that was worse than my 14-to-16-year-old self, sex was the last thing I was interested in. I wanted a snowball under the window unit A/C and New Girl reruns. And my appearance and mood probably weren’t the biggest turn-ons for my husband either, though he never said a word (thanks, babe).
Now, in my second pregnancy, it is January, less severe acne, but I am still feeling huge and enjoying my lovely Hulk-like varicose veins. Sex is still not a high priority around here. Now I want a chocolate croissant and mint tea from Starbucks and the next Jane the Virgin season.
If by some miracle you are feeling frisky in the last few months of your person-growing experience, allow me to dissuade you with this guide for how to go about the magical art of seduction and sex when baby is around the corner. (Disclaimer: this post mostly applies to heterosexual couples, not because I am under the impression that this is the only pregnancy experience, just the one I am most expert in.)
1. Primp!
If all the blogs and your never-been-pregnant friends are right, you should have long, glossy, beautiful hair to run across your partner’s chest now. That is, if you’ve washed it and taken it out of a bun this week, or have the energy to now! Your glowing (i.e. sweating) skin is ready for full makeup! Cover up those hormonal pimples and slather on some hot lipstick.
2. Slip into something slinky.
Find the sexiest maternity lingerie you can find on the market, which doesn’t exist because no matter what, you have a basketball protruding from underneath every teddy and lacy bra. Perhaps a better option is one of your husband’s button downs: the classic no pants, no problem seduction technique. Then again, if you’re like me, he is already sick of you stealing his clothes and may not recognize this as a sexy getup, but instead another item missing from his closet.
3. Decide on a position:
a) Peekaboo! This could actually be the cutesy name for either missionary or girl on top, because either way you’ll be peeking over that gigantic bump to look at each other with bedroom eyes!
b) Doggy style. Because varicose veins are so hot! And your partner can get a great preview of those incoming stretch marks on your ass and hips! So sexy.
c) The spoon. Let’s be real. It is the only possible position, if lying down sideways doesn’t put you both to sleep.
4. Get it on!
Still awake? I’m impressed. If you both last longer than ten minutes, more power to you. If not, congrats on your feat — you had sex! While hugely pregnant, feeling ugly, and being exhausted.
5. Netflix.
American Vandal was hilarious.
*****
About the Author
Holly is a teacher and mama living in Denver, Colorado. Loves: her children, hubs, books, and chocolate usually in that order. Hates: customer service phone calls, mean people, compression stockings. You can find more from her on her blog, Facebook, and Twitter @hershwrites.