New Years resolutions are the worst. Last year I made a big fat list of them, and let's just say, I didn't quite maintain them all.
Humor Life

Resolutions vs. Reality

New Years resolutions are the worst. Last year I made a big fat list of them, and let's just say, I didn't quite maintain them all.

By Janene Dutt of imightbefunny.com

Though I normally don’t partake in the whole “New year, New me” philosophy, last year I actually wrote a New Year’s Resolutions list. I just came across it and decided to share a few of them along with updates on how well I fared.

Resolution #1: I will begin an exercise regimen that includes strength training 3x per week and aerobic activity 5x per week .

UPDATE:

Strength training:  Well, I didn’t exactly lift dumbbells or do, like, a push-up or anything. However, if you count moving the dead weight of a sleeping 75 pound Labrador from my spot on the couch every night to his blanket, then I did awesome.

Aerobic Activity: I signed up to run a half-marathon last spring. Paid the fee and everything. Unfortunately, I did not actually run the half-marathon. Or show up at all. But it was months of great fun imagining I was going to do it. In September I did go on a walk. There was a hill and I got tired. End of story.

Resolution #2:  I will force each of my children to have one serving of a fruit or vegetable every day. That’s right, pediatricians and supermoms, I’m aware the recommendation is five servings but I’m shooting for just one. I’m sick of throwing away peas. Don’t judge.

UPDATE: Success! My 9-year-old added carrots to her approved food list this year.  Perhaps they are smothered in butter and brown sugar but underneath all the sweet goo it is still a carrot. It counts.

Resolution #3:  I will part with my maternity underwear (hey, I just had a baby 9 years ago) even though they are comfy and stretchy and the only articles of clothing I own that used to be too small and are now too big. Sigh.

UPDATE:  They’re gone. It was bittersweet. However, my ultra-soft, fifteen-year-old maternity pajama pants were not part of the deal.  Those stayed and will stay until they cause me physical harm.  I say this because I was wearing them yesterday morning and they nearly did cause me physical harm. You see, the bottoms are all ripped and somehow they got caught in part of the vacuum cleaner and I kind of had to fight my way out of a crazy situation. But I finally escaped unscathed and we’re still good, me and my shredded pajama pants.  Just need to be a little more careful around large appliances in the future, I guess.

Resolution #4:  Just once, I will go to Costco and buy ONLY the items on my list.  Note to self: add Giant Churro to list.

UPDATE:  I totally did it! In October I went to Costco and purchased only a tub of mini coffee cakes. I know, you’d think my one item would’ve been something more essential, like toilet paper, but truly, I needed those mini coffee cakes more. And I’m not counting the 14 samples I scarfed down while proudly strolling through Costco with my one item because those were all FREE.

Resolution #5:  I will not charge anything on my credit card that costs less than $3.00.  ***Except when in the vicinity of a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop or other similar emergency.

UPDATE:  I am unresoluting this resolution.  I hate using cash.  I hate cashiers giving me a handful of potentially virus-ridden coins and warm dollar bills that were just stuffed in somebody else’s pants.  A little family background: my grandfather washed his money. Not in the “money laundering” sense. In the literal sense, with the clean bills hung up on a clothesline to dry.  When I was a child I’d go to his house and see the crisp money hanging there in the basement.  I remember being like, “Wow, that’s so cool.”  Then, as I got older, I was like, “Wow, that’s a little weird.” But the guy had a point…cash is gross.

Resolution #6: I will conquer my fear of spiders, lice, flying, sharks, vomiting, public restroom door handles and items on the top shelf of the grocery store, which I cannot reach without a full-scale climbing mission. Also, my fear of paying full-price for something because I forgot my coupon. Also, people with really clean cars, I fear them a little. New iPhone updates…so scary, I just keep hitting “Remind Me Later.” You know, this list is getting a bit overwhelming so perhaps I should just enlist the help of a therapist to determine why I have so many damn neuroses.

UPDATE:  I have conquered nothing.  I am still terrified of every single thing on that list plus let’s now add the aggressive, giant raccoon that shows up every night at our door to eat our feral cat’s food.

Screw hiring a therapist…I may now have enough issues to actually become one.

Resolution #7:  I will stop making excuses to justify buying Groupons that I will never use. Am I really going to go on a Segway tour of my local city? Which, upon further thought, would involve a rental helmet and a high-risk lice situation? Hell, no. 95% off tattoo removal? Such a great deal but first I would have to A) get a tattoo and B) grow to hate my tattoo. 75% off a storage unit rental? Fabulous, I can use it to store all my unused Groupons.

UPDATE:  In January of this year I simply clicked “Unsubscribe” and kicked this resolution’s ass!

Well, I hope you fare better with your New Year’s Resolutions than I did with mine.  Best wishes for a great 2018!

This post was originally published on imightbefunny.com.

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About the Author

Janene Dutt resides on a small island in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and three children. Her hobbies are baking, gardening, and extreme couponing. She suffers from Pediculophobia, the fear of lice. When she’s not blogging, you can find her combing through her family’s hair. Check out her Follow her on Facebook.