By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
A newly-turned three-year-old from Rex, GA, deflated faster than a punctured birthday balloon when he woke up the morning after his birthday party to the shocking revelation that he was not a dinosaur.
Despite a valiant effort and impressive display of lung capacity, three-year-old Todd Luhr has yet to be granted the wish he made when he managed—in one breath—to blow out all three of the candles on his Jurassic Park-themed birthday cake last weekend.
According to Todd’s six-year-old sister Sarah, the birthday boy “just wanted to be a dinosaur.” “He told me that night he wished to be a ‘Tree-Rex,’” she said. “Because that’s ‘the meaniest dimosaur that eats all the other dimosaurs.’”
The incident took place last Saturday, before a sizable crowd that included 18 rambunctious preschoolers; a few elementary-school-aged siblings and cousins; several haggard (and a few day-drunk) parents; and Sharptooth, the family Shih Tzu.
Witnesses tell us that at the conclusion of an off-key rendition of the popular “Happy Birthday” song, young Todd looked from the blazing candles before him to his mother, presumably seeking guidance as to how to proceed.
“Make a wish,” his mother allegedly instructed him. “And blow out the candles!”
Several partygoers confirmed that Todd followed his mother’s instructions to a T.
Just not, apparently, to a T-Rex.
“Why I no Tree-Rex?” he asked us when we arrived for our interview, waving his perfectly proportional arms wildly in apparent frustration. “Why no dimosaur?”
Todd’s understandable confusion began the morning after his party, when—according to his sister—he woke up screaming that he didn’t have ‘pointy teef’ or a ‘fat tail.’ (His sister did later confirm the absence of any sized tail—not just a “fat” one.)
As if this discovery wasn’t upsetting enough, Todd also implied that his mother was completely unsympathetic to his plight.
“Mama mean!” he said. “Tree-Rex bite Mama!”
CPS was contacted by an anonymous source and is currently looking into the matter. Although the investigation is ongoing, one worker did tell us there’s indisputable evidence that Todd’s mother displayed “premeditated, malicious intent to deceive the child in question” when she asked him to make a wish before blowing out the candles.
When we contacted Todd’s mother for comment, it was obvious she wasn’t taking the allegations against her seriously.
“Who the fuck are you people?” she asked, pulling her slightly frazzled hair into a messy bun. “Is this one of those ‘Punk’d’ things? Am I being recorded? Give me five minutes to throw on a bra and some mascara. I’ll be right back.”
But Todd’s mother never returned. According to sources inside the Luhr home, she got distracted checking Facebook and Googling “how to deal with a biting toddler.”
When we asked Todd how he’s handling the disappointment, he looked at us with tears—and a glint of denial—in his eyes.
“Roar,” he stated.
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.