In the movies they show outbreaks as characterized by frantic families and CDC scientists walking around in full hazmat suits. However, in reality, the biggest threat to your health is hanging around in plain sight, probably draped over your couch, giving you attitude, and eating all the snacks. That’s right, I’m talking about your kids.
Your kids are living, breathing Petri dishes full of the most incredible super-strains of resilient bacteria and germs. And it’s not just your kid — oh no. Kids flock together, and they are all just as gross as each other. Together they become stronger, as the filthy germy cesspools that inhabit their tiny bodies pool together on the play yard and create some sort of frankenvirus colony that attaches to their sticky little hands and drips slowly out of their boogery little noses.
They say that the largest living organism is this collection of clone trees; however, I would argue that in actuality, it’s probably the cootie colony that stretches across child to child, inhabiting all of them, worldwide.
Although we love our children dearly, that love comes with a steep price. It’s too bad it doesn’t also come with a box of Kleenex and an industrial vat of lemon ginger water, because truth be told, if you have kids in the house you’re gonna need it.
The good news is that you are not alone. If you have one child, then you are truly privy to the very same illnesses that fester in all of them. Social status matters not in the case of childhood illness; indeed it targets everyone alike.
Places where children congregate, like schools and daycares, are especially good at facilitating the transmission of these bugs and bacteria in a way that is as efficient as it is stealthy. By the time your child exits primary school, they should have a solid understanding of reading and writing, while you will have PhD in managing the sniffles and still managing to do all the things without having had any adequate rest.
Here’s what the funny parents of Twitter had to say about the viral yuckiness of kids!
1. Back to school means you better load up on Kleenex and Advil
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don't already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 16, 2017
2. This isn’t a joke, friend; September to June you’re DOOMED
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 10, 2019
3. And once one person gets sick, congrats! You’re all sick.
Everyone in our family has been sick so long, we've stopped using words, and have created a language based entirely on coughs and sneezes.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 10, 2016
4. Event the germs are like, whoa – it’s a little crowded in here.
My child almost got salmonella, but it was scared off when it saw what a disgusting hotbed of germs it would have to bunk with
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) September 13, 2019
5. And how do we keep catching it as parents? I guess we’ll never know.
"I don't understand how I keep getting sick," I think to myself as I drink the rest of my daughter's juice and finish my son's pizza crust.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) March 3, 2016
6. Or maybe we will know, and ope, nope, that’s worse.
This morning I woke up to Poppy sweetly stroking my forehead and patting my cheeks. She leaned her head close and whispered in my ear, “I put my booger in your nose.”#blessed
— hillarywith2Ls🐝 (@hillarywith2Ls) September 13, 2019
7. Did we mention that schools are a hotbox for illness? *cries through the sniffles*
Welcome back to school, here’s a cold.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2019
8. And if you do get them to a doctor, then you’re doubly screwed.
I feel like the Pediatrician's office is the "Need a penny take a penny..have a penny leave a penny" of the germ world.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) August 11, 2015
9. Also, if you get sick, EVERYBODY is screwed.
Me: If you don’t feel good, we’ll pretend hug before you go to bed. If I get sick, this whole house falls apart.
9: (whispers) Party time.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) January 28, 2019
10. Only bring organic things to the party.
My husband is going to deep fry a turkey, my mom is making the pumpkin pies, and my nieces will bring the stomach virus.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 22, 2017
11. If you’re the mom, then welcome to becoming human garbage.
My kids are sick I am a human Kleenex
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) March 9, 2018
It's so charming when your children are both literally and figuratively snotty.
— Shannon (@storiteller) September 9, 2019
13. It’s a hard decision, but hey, you’ll probably get sick regardless.
My kid is sick and I'm teetering between "stay away I don't have time to be sick, too" and "I could use a couple days off, c'mere and lick my fork."
— Mama Needs a Nap by Lauri Walker (@MamaNeedsa_Nap) September 13, 2019
14. Always aim for the lap.
Kid: Where's a good place to barf? Toilet? Na. Garbage can? Nope Plastic bag? Ehh
Mom's shirt? Ding ding we have a winner!!#parenting
— Maybe I'll Shower Today (@BloggerGail) September 2, 2019
15. It’s like a sampler pack, but mucus-y and everything hurts.
A Mom Cold is when you’re sick for 17 Days straight because your kid keeps bringing home different germs from every child in class
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) November 15, 2017