Health Humor Parenting SPM/MM Tweets

15 Tweets About How Kids Are Just Disgusting Little Germ Factories

In the movies they show outbreaks as characterized by frantic families and CDC scientists walking around in full hazmat suits. However, in reality, the biggest threat to your health is hanging around in plain sight, probably draped over your couch, giving you attitude, and eating all the snacks. That’s right, I’m talking about your kids.

Your kids are living, breathing Petri dishes full of the most incredible super-strains of resilient bacteria and germs. And it’s not just your kid — oh no. Kids flock together, and they are all just as gross as each other. Together they become stronger, as the filthy germy cesspools that inhabit their tiny bodies pool together on the play yard and create some sort of frankenvirus colony that attaches to their sticky little hands and drips slowly out of their boogery little noses.

They say that the largest living organism is this collection of clone trees; however, I would argue that in actuality, it’s probably the cootie colony that stretches across child to child, inhabiting all of them, worldwide.

Although we love our children dearly, that love comes with a steep price. It’s too bad it doesn’t also come with a box of Kleenex and an industrial vat of lemon ginger water, because truth be told, if you have kids in the house you’re gonna need it.

The good news is that you are not alone. If you have one child, then you are truly privy to the very same illnesses that fester in all of them. Social status matters not in the case of childhood illness; indeed it targets everyone alike.

Places where children congregate, like schools and daycares, are especially good at facilitating the transmission of these bugs and bacteria in a way that is as efficient as it is stealthy. By the time your child exits primary school, they should have a solid understanding of reading and writing, while you will have PhD in managing the sniffles and still managing to do all the things without having had any adequate rest.

Here’s what the funny parents of Twitter had to say about the viral yuckiness of kids!

1. Back to school means you better load up on Kleenex and Advil

2. This isn’t a joke, friend; September to June you’re DOOMED

3. And once one person gets sick, congrats! You’re all sick.

4. Event the germs are like, whoa – it’s a little crowded in here.

5. And how do we keep catching it as parents? I guess we’ll never know.

6. Or maybe we will know, and ope, nope, that’s worse.

7. Did we mention that schools are a hotbox for illness? *cries through the sniffles*

8. And if you do get them to a doctor, then you’re doubly screwed.

9. Also, if you get sick, EVERYBODY is screwed.

10. Only bring organic things to the party.

11. If you’re the mom, then welcome to becoming human garbage.

12. ADORABLE.

13. It’s a hard decision, but hey, you’ll probably get sick regardless.

14. Always aim for the lap.

15. It’s like a sampler pack, but mucus-y and everything hurts.

So happy back to school. Get ready to be ever so slightly to moderately ill for the next 10 months! Namaste.