Our family kicked off the year with the worst case of the flu we’ve had in years. One child fell. Then Mom. Then another kid. Then we had a bit of a break… And then it hit AGAIN.
By the end of the longest 12 days of my life, everyone had succumbed. Sheets were washed with the “sanitize” cycle. Buckets were left by bedsides, emptied, washed, and put back by the bedside. Toilets were scrubbed, and I Lysol-ed every single door knob, light switch, handle, sink faucet, and I think maybe my childrens’ actual bodies. I just walked around spraying that shit everywhere out of desperation.
And if it hits again, we are moving.
To help get me through the long nights of catching my children’s vomit in my hands, I took to Twitter to commiserate with other people fighting this wretched battle. Because whether it’s the stomach flu, Influenza A, that weird H1N1 thing from a few years ago, or any other flu-related horror, it sucks all around. Thank God for Twitter.
— Kristen Fitzgerald (@klf113) January 22, 2018
Writing a love poem called “I Want to Marry You and Have Your Kids So They Can Sneeze in Our Faces and We Can Take His and Hers NyQuil.”
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 24, 2017
Nobody experiences a sudden onset “flu” symptoms like a 3 year old who’s just been asked to clean up his train tracks.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 19, 2015
Me: I have the flu
My mom: pic.twitter.com/eT9uxBcFeV
— 🖤samantha🖤 (@sammyaloha) January 22, 2018
If you’re not giving your family Lysol showers and dousing everything in bleach, are you even parenting children during flu season?
— SammichesPsychMeds (@SamPsychMeds) January 18, 2018
Know what gets done around the house when mom is sick?
Nothing, not a damn thing.
— Why all these kids? (@whyallthesekids) November 28, 2015
It is definitely not a coincidence that the word flu starts with an f and ends with a u.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) February 16, 2013
The female version of the man cold is the flu.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) November 6, 2017
My throat hurts. This can’t happen.
If I get sick, the house collapses, and my family wanders the streets in search of shelter and food.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) April 7, 2016
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
— Ramblin’ Mama (@ramblinma) October 10, 2016
All imma say is when Obama was president I didn’t have the flu….
— Syd (@ssydd_) January 23, 2018
Being sick when you have kids is like being sick in a swarm of bees.
— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) January 21, 2017
For Valentine’s Day, I gave my wife and daughters candy.
They gave me the flu.
I still acted like I loved it.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2017
I’m not much of a house cleaner.
Until my kids are sick. Then my bleach use officially qualifies me as a hairstylist in 3 states.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) February 1, 2017
The stomach flu is taking down the neighbor kids one by one. I’m taking all the necessary precautions. pic.twitter.com/e8eOeG1Ak7
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 19, 2015
And, really the most important lesson here:
Flu season…..you can’t get sick through Twitter.
— Lisa from the 313 (@lisamarie1222) January 22, 2018
If it hasn’t hit your house yet, here’s to hoping it doesn’t. And if it has?