If you belong to a mom group online, you know they can be pretty helpful. After all, there’s nothing quite like connecting with others who “get” it. You also know your fellow members — me included — can be quite predictable and sometimes even downright hilarious or annoying. Here are the 15 people you’ll encounter in online mom groups:
1. The Madonna with child. Perfect doesn’t even begin to describe this mom and her kids. They can do no wrong. In fact, she’d have you believe they are divine. You wouldn’t be surprised if she posted that she and her family had breakfast with Jesus right before announcing she’s pregnant with the next messiah — by immaculate conception, no less.
2. The complainer. Judging from this mom’s posts, the world has made it its personal mission to squeeze every last drop of happiness from her life. If it’s not a lamentation about how tired she is from having to actually get out of bed at some point during the day, it’s a rant about how the electric and gas companies are conspiring to bleed her bank account dry. She has never had a positive thing to say. EVER.
3. The humorist. If posting witty comebacks and cackle-inducing memes were a career, this mom would be number one in her field. You have no doubt she is the life of any party and have secretly daydreamed about kidnapping her to be your lifelong BFF.
4. The blamer. This mom is a professional victim. On any given day, you can expect to see an angry diatribe about how it’s the school’s fault that her child poisoned the teacher’s coffee with battery acid or the other driver’s fault that she sideswiped him while texting her lawyer a lengthy list of grievances against her homeowner’s association. Personal responsibility is to her as heart healthy is to a king sized tub of Crisco.
5. The token dad. This fella is either genuinely interested in swapping parenting stories or was added to the group against his will by his wife. Either way, it is obvious he feels like an outsider desperate to fit in as evidenced by his occasional and very awkward attempts to offer advice on posts about cures for uncomfortable nipple chafing and gynecologist recommendations, all of which get him closer to a restraining order than a spot at the cool kids’ table.
6. The hypochondriac. Based on this mom’s posts, you’d think her kids have the worst health luck of anyone on the planet. She’s constantly posting pictures of this week’s skin ailments and asking questions like, “My child is bleeding from the eyes. At what age is this a concern?” You find yourself regularly resisting the urge to comment with, “What the hell are you asking us for? GET YOUR CHILD TO A DOCTOR, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!”
7. The lurker. This mom rarely, if ever, posts or comments in the group, but when she does, it’s clear she’s been carefully stalking each member, so much so that you wouldn’t be shocked to learn she has every person’s blood type memorized. She may be silent, but she’s always there — reading, judging, and maybe even running background checks.
8. The braggart. If it can be done, you can bet her kids have already been there and brought home the gold medal for it, too. From posts about spelling bee championships to early admittance to Harvard, there’s nothing her kids can’t accomplish. Next up: Her kids will lasso the moon on their journey to total universe domination.
9. The attention whore. Nothing screams “Look at me!” quite like this mom’s posts. Whether it’s a lengthy reflection on her best friend’s third cousin twice removed’s stepdad’s boss’s untimely death or a picture of her son’s 1,023rd poo in the potty, she’ll try anything for a few likes and a sympathetic or congratulatory comment.
10. The entrepreneur. If it involves a pyramid scheme or a work-from-home opportunity, this mom’s been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt, and she wants you to as well. Though it’s quite the stretch, she’s able to somehow connect everything from selling mascara to buying nail wraps to her children’s social-emotional development and offers a money-back guarantee that you, too, could send Junior to college for free if you’d just agree to sell 600 Thirty-One bags per month and get 15 of your closest friends to do the same.
11. The know-it-all. Quick to comment on every problem or question posted to the group, this mom is a self-proclaimed parenting expert. Whether it’s in response to a post about colic or proper car seat guidelines, this mom’s got the answer, and God help the person who dares to disagree with her.
12. The vulgar vixen. This mom’s got the mouth of a sailor and the balls to give zero shits about who knows it. Each topic or comment she posts contains no fewer than two expletives and usually a side remark about her sex life or bowel movements. She’s so salty, even the devil has been known to blush in her presence.
13. The naturalist. This mom’s as crunchy as they come. She makes her family’s clothes out of untreated cotton from her own mini plantation and feeds her kids a steady diet of home grown organic kale and hand picked tree nuts. If there’s a malady, you can bet she’s got an herb or an oil for that.
14. The vaccination expert. Doesn’t matter whether she’s pro- or anti-vaxx, this mom has strong opinions on the subject and regularly hijacks discussion threads with pointed commentary complete with links to specialized, outdated, or unreliable sources confirming her assertions. She’s so married to her beliefs that God Himself couldn’t sway her, so it’s best to just keep scrolling and avoid interaction.
15. The veteran. This mom has been around the block enough to have seen, done, and heard just about all of it. She has a knack for offering advice and comfort without sounding condescending or judgy and is a popular and trusted member of the group. If there’s a problem, she’s the first person you think of approaching with it.
Recognize any of these people? Which one are you?