By Sarah Hosseini of www.SarahHosseini.com
I had my kids back-to-back. Anyone who does this close-in-age kids thing on purpose is a gawd damn lunatic.
Mine were accidents….errrrr….surprises, whatever you call it when in the heat of the moment you and your husband decide not to “pull it out and pray.” Passion equals pregnancy, ya hurd me?
My girls are 16-months apart. And wow – can we say HORRIFYING?
I’ve had two babies not walking, two babies not talking, two babies in diapers, two babies who can’t totally feed themselves, and two babies with erratic sleep patterns. When both would cry at the same time as babies – I used to flip a coin up in the air. Heads – I comfort the baby first. Tails – toddler. When I’d lose the coin to bad flipping or toddler snatching, I would attempt to hold, hug and kiss both at the same time.
Being pregnant and having babies for two years was about as enjoyable as stabbing myself in the eye with a number two pencil. But now, they’re older, and we as a family are past all that hard (really fucking hard) baby bullshit. We now have new challenges. Like, intrusive questions and comments asked and made by random people who clearly have no shame.
I’m an open book (writer pun intended), so I don’t care that people ask me these questions. I actually find it comical. Here’s a list of the 12 most common questions I get asked when I step out in public with my daughters who are only 16 months apart.
1. Are they twins? No, they’re just close in age.
2. Really, they look so much alike. Not twins? Um, no, I would know.
3. Irish twins? Still, no.
4. Is your family Catholic? I can see how your religious stereotypes are trying to put me in some type of breeding box to help you better understand why I would do this to myself.
5. Do they have the same mom/dad? I mean, we never got a DNA test, but I’m pretty sure my two very similar looking children have me and their dad as parents.
6. Did you want to have kids close in age? I’ll answer your question with a question. Who fucking does this shit on purpose? No really, go find them. I want to see if they’re sane.
7. Were you taking birth control? Yes, our preferred method was “Pull it Out and Pray.” Except those two times I got pregnant.
8. Did your body have a chance to heal from the first birth? Wait, do you mean down there? To be honest, my vagina was untouched — c-sections, sista. But, let me just lift up my shirt to show you my stomach, which looks like it got run over by a semi-truck, then squeezed by barbed wire and cut by a butcher.
9. How could you have another baby now—the kids wouldn’t all be close together! I’m pretty sure that’s not our main concern, but, if you must know…we won’t be having another kid, and we can’t. My husband is snipped for this exact reason.
10. My sister and I are X number of months apart. We’re super close. Are your girls close? Yes, they love each other. Except when they’re fighting over a broken, cheap Happy Meal toy. Then they hate each other. Just like regular ol’ siblings.
11. Do you think they’ll be close when they grow up? I can’t predict the future, but I hope so. If you have a crystal ball, please, I beg you — let me know wassup.
12. You must’ve had your hands full for awhile there, huh?! Yes, still do. One of which always seems to be full with alcohol.
This post was originally published on Missguided Mama.
About Sarah Hosseini
Sarah Hosseini is a writer, mother, Profanity Princess and Expletive Expert. “Giving my kids enough material to write a book about me one day, until then, they’re my material.” Work is published in Sammiches & Psych Meds, Cosmopolitan, Redbook Magazine, Good Housekeeping, The Huffington Post, Bustle, Your Tango and many more.She blogs weekly at www.SarahHosseini.com. Sarah lives in Atlanta-ish with her husband and two daughters. Follow along on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.