It’s May! Are you kidding me!?
5 months.
That’s how long we’ve been putting up with 2020’s stank ass. Sadly, the year isn’t getting better, if anything, it’s getting worse. Just like those #bossbabe influencers, it seems that 2020 picked a word to focus on this year, and that word is “clusterfuck”. May brought us news of muder hornets, cicada invasions, and more senseless deaths due to racism and systematic abuses of power.
Some things change while others stay the same. Raising kids may come with new challenges in these unprecedented times, however they also come with the same old baggage that’s been latched onto childrearing since the beginning of time. Luckily, we can vent, have some laughs, and bask in the camaraderie of all the other parents that are also just fucking grasping at their last straw while also trying to plunge renegade Barbies out of the toilet.
Hashtag Blessed, Y’all
15 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents in May
1. I’m not sharing but just for hygienic reasons. Stay safe.
“SIX FOOT RULE” I yell, shielding the box of donuts with my body
— Beccaface (@beccafacexo) May 26, 2020
2. I mean, in a pinch any elbow will do.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 7, 2020
3. Why are you so obsessed with me?!
Everyone always feels sorry for the parents with 10 kids, but, what about the parents with 1 kid? 1 kid won't leave you the fuck alone. Ever.
— Annie the Nanny (@AnnietheNanny1) May 28, 2020
4. One of the fundamental laws of the Universe.
Cook for your kids and they'll eat and not help clean up.
Teach your kids to cook and they'll eat and not help clean up a way worse mess.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 27, 2020
5. I’m really CRUSHING this teacher gig.
Homeschooling for Dummies during Quarantine:
History: The Great Depression
Phys Ed: Hand washing
Social Studies: Tiger King
Science: Murder Hornets
Math: SIX FEET!
Reading: Little House on the Prairie, A handbook for our life now
Home Ec: sewing face masks
Music: TikTok— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) May 5, 2020
6. It doesn’t matter what your situation is- you’re all screwed.
Mom names based on # of kids:
One and done
Two and through
Three and free
Four and closin that door
Five idk how ya still alive— Jess Carpenter (@JessCarpWrites) May 26, 2020
7. Just. Leave. Me. Alone.
It’s amazing how quarantine with kids has lowered my standards for cleanliness. Like, a lot. I’ve gone from “Please, kids, try not to make a mess,” to “I don’t care if you bathe outside in glitter slime and sand, as long as it buys me an hour of time.”
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) May 24, 2020
8. OMG It’s a mystery….
Me: I wonder why my skin is such a mess.
Also me: *finishes kids cold waffles for breakfast, has Diet Coke for lunch, snacks on all the cheese when kids go to bed, pours another glass of wine, stays up until 1AM, fails to wash face every night*
— Sparkles and Skid Marks (@SparklesNSkids) May 20, 2020
9. Expert level child minding.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) May 20, 2020
10. I know it’s not a competition, but SAME. I dare you to show me someone who even got to day 1.
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| 0 days |
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O /
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/Since I said fuck in front of my kids
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 13, 2020
11. PRINCESS OF POWER! All must kneel before me.
I just want to feel as powerful as my 3-year-old does when she wears light-up shoes.
— The Stinkerbell (@thestinkerbell_) May 26, 2020
12. Hating pants is an everyday mood.
[multiple kids screaming in the next room]
Me: What's wrong?
8-year-old: We're getting dressed.
I understand completely.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 29, 2020
13. Gosh it’s so great to have the village again.
We’re all in this together? That’s so great to hear. My two year old just shit through our wicker patio furniture. See you in an hour, please bring a sponge.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 4, 2020
14. WAIT, WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?
My kid just asked what to do if it hurts when he bends his elbow and I said “don’t bend your elbow” and then he got mad and stormed off parenting is wild y’all
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) May 14, 2020
15. Our hearts just grow bigger with each new addition.
I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 14, 2020
Here’s to a Happy and Healthy June!
There’s no harm in hoping, amirite? Let’s all cross our fingers for sunny days, fewer Covid-19 cases, less racist trash, and making Summer memories.