Well, it’s the holiday season. The time when we pack up our kin and flock to that terrible, forbidden place known as “the mall.”
The mall is a place that we loved as teens; however, as adult parents it’s like an alternate dimension of walking in circles, losing all your money, and grimacing at the latest fashion. TASSELS CAN’T COME BACK, WE HAVE TO STAY VIGILANT!
If you have kids, the mall becomes even worse. If you thought your kids were a pain in the ass at home, throw some food court carbs on them and just you wait to see what they become. It’s harrowing!
But the holidays are coming, which means our bank accounts have to be drained somewhere. Despite our best efforts, online shopping just won’t do. So on we trudge to angrily circulate the parking lot in the sole hopes of finding a mediocre gift that costs too much before we give ourselves the gift of self-inflicted diarrhea courtesy of some questionable lo mein on a Styrofoam plate.
Although the mall is a place where your peace and your budget go to die, it is a necessary evil this time of year. Unless you take the plunge and decide that you’re going to be a minimalist-by-proxy – a noble route to take when confronted with the scourge of the mall.
1. It’s an endless wasteland
Crossing the Sahara desert, but it's me dragging my kids through the mall when they're hungry.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 28, 2016
2. Keep your men close
I needed a new pair of shoes and my wife was busy, so she sent me to the mall by myself. Long story short, I now have a bellybutton ring.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 9, 2013
3. It’s a close second in the pain department
Sure, childbirth is painful, but have you ever taken a group of tween girls to the mall?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 29, 2019
4. If you even make it into the mall you’ve already won
American Horror Story: Mall Parking Lot in December
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 3, 2018
5. Everyone seems helpful, but how about you do some shit I could really use?
Just sent my daughter & her math homework into a clothing store at the mall because people there are always asking if they can help you.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 13, 2015
6. If you bring your husband, don’t expect shit
Me playing a video game: why can't I hold 3 swords, 5 shields, a bow AND 19 types of ammo?!
My wife: *asking me to carry around a bag at the mall*
Me: absolutely not
— The Dad (@thedad) November 18, 2019
7. There WILL be tantrums
Enter the mall with 2 kids in double stroller.
Leave the mall carrying both kids and pushing the double stoller with your stomach.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 27, 2016
8. …And a lot of sidetracking
Taking my kids to the mall today so we can do really productive things, like ride the escalator up and down for 45 minutes.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 24, 2018
9. Nobody will pay the proper respects to fashion when it comes to parking etiquette
You can't park in the maternity parking spots at the mall just because you're still wearing your maternity pants. In case you're wondering.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) September 11, 2016
10. And you will DEFINITELY feel old
11. However, at least there are other people in this boat
I just saw a mom threatening her kids in the mall and I never felt more seen.
— bipolarmommi (@KarenGiannina6) November 9, 2019
12. And if you’re alone, then it’s practically a vacation
How long is it permissible to sit in the parking lot after a solo shopping trip before going back home to the kids
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) October 26, 2019
13. It might get hairy, not gonna lie
“I can’t wait to see what you all have learned in karate this year.”
*takes kids Black Friday shopping*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 23, 2018
Although the mall is a trial, just remember: You are strong and can do hard things.
And remember – sharing this post is free, a gift to your friends, and doesn’t require a parking spot!