10 Plans That I, A Basic White Girl, Have For Fall

By Shya Gibbons

1. Indulge in pumpkin flavored and pumpkin scented everything. I want to eat it, wear it, or bake it!

2. Visit alllll the places for photo opps! Pumpkin patch? Obviously. Haunted house? Only a picture outside of it, standing next to a terrifying ghoul that won’t move and scare me. Photo shoot with the abundance of autumnal beauty in full display? I literally can’t even (cornu)cop(ia) with how excited I am.

3. Topple the patriarchy. Will need powerful friends to help.

4. Take a hayride with my insanely gorgeous other half. Preferably when it is waning light. Then use the Sunshine filter on it when I edit it. Boom. Perfect profile picture.

4. Vote. Recruit voters. Make my voice heard. Be strong in my convictions, but not aggressive because then I’ll be labeled ‘hysterical’ in the wrong way. If you want to call me hysterical, please make sure it’s in regards to my sharp, biting wit or incredible puns.

5. Edit together a video of me saying Bloody Mary in front of a mirror, then act surprised when a Bloody Mary cocktail pops up. I will only say it once, then loop it because I really can’t risk the possibility of her showing up in the mirror.

6. Pick up my birth control while I still can. Maybe afterwards I’ll stop by an atelier for an ironic twist so they can start fitting me for my handmaid uniform. If I can get in on the ground floor with being fitted, I am praying they can add pockets to mine before they start being mass produced

7. Carve pumpkins! I will buy the kits with special pumpkin carving tools, spend days on Pinterest looking for designs, then in the end just do triangle eyes with a circle for a mouth. I have never been crafty. Everyone has their flaws. Pobody’s nerfect.

8. Train myself to hold the phone slightly away from me and tilted up so the NSA has something appealing to look at while they watch me. My current holding style gives me 13 chins from their angle. They already have my search history that showcases how often I look at ways to lose weight and Google French silk pies recipes a minute later. I really can’t afford for them to also have stacks of unflattering pictures of me.

9. Post a countdown to Thanksgiving and Christmas simultaneously each day, every day. Only 11 more weekends left before Christmas! Start grabbing things now.

10. Finish decorating my underground bunker. Stock up on food that doesn’t expire and bottled water. What I do not have are twinkly lights draped around shelves or a faux Christmas tree to be set up.

I hope that upon seeing this list it will motivate some of you to follow my lead. Pumpkin patches alone? Not really that much fun. Toppling the patriarchy by myself? I mean, it’s hard work, but I don’t like to use the word impossible.

Addendum to the last sentence: except when it comes to not consuming overpriced, overly sweet seasonal drinks. It’s impossible to not enjoy those every day until the pumpkin spice toppings container runs dry.


About the Author

Shya Gibbons is founder of Vintage Dreams With A Modern Twist. She is a contributor to the books I Just Want To Be Perfect and You Do You. Her work has appeared on Sammiches & Psych Meds, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and The Mighty. She is happily married to an incredible man who doubles as her best friend. They have a five-year-old little boy who lights up their life. Check out her work on Facebook. Tell her hi when you stop by, she loves meeting new people!