By Alison Huff of Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt
PALO ALTO, CA — Despite countless warnings that link childhood vaccinations with artism, Mark Zuckerberg, the tech genius and billionaire smartypants who owns Facebook, subjected his innocent, 2-month-old daughter to vaccines earlier this month.
Since we hid in the bushes outside her pediatrician’s office, we were able to leap out at Zuckerberg like spider monkeys for a comment immediately after the dastardly deed was done.
“I’m not the slightest bit worried that little Max is going to end up with artism,” Zuckerberg said, backing away from us. “Seriously, though—ignore the hideously colorful print on her Patagonia bunting and just consider her genetics for a moment. We all know she’s going to follow in her daddy’s footsteps. Max is going into the tech industry; that’s a fact. Hell, she’ll probably create Skynet someday. There is literally nothing to fear, you guys.”
When we reminded him of the supposed dangers of childhood vaccinations, Zuckerberg shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, even Priscilla isn’t worried about artism, and she would know if there was something to be afraid of. She went to medical school and everything.”
Zuckerberg turned away and stalked off with Max in tow, so we took to the other side of the street to get an opinion from a bystander who was standing nearby.
Lulu Bigalow, a self-proclaimed zen master and peddler of healing crystals, was visibly distraught over Zuckerberg’s decision.
“It’s irresponsible,” Bigalow said. “That guy’s no dummy, right? I can’t believe he’d endanger his child in such a way. Especially when he’s so rich. Why put your kid through vaccines when you can easily afford all the medical care it’s gonna need when it contracts whooping cough and measles? I just don’t understand.”
Not long after Zuckerberg may-or-may-not-have poisoned his child, he posted a picture of the event on Facebook, and the anti-vaxxers began circling their wagons in an attack formation, pitchforks at the ready. We texted him on his cell phone to ask if he had seen the comments on his post.
“Ur kidding, rite?” he responded. “Of coarse I saw them. I own FB. How did u get this #?”
We ignored his question and asked how he felt about the comments the anti-vaxxers left on his page. He responded, “H8ers gonna h8, amirite? If they don’t like it they can unfriend me. See if I car.”
Zuckerberg ignored all of our subsequent text messages; we assume we have been blocked. For now, the world will have to wait and see whether Max Chan Zuckerberg develops any symptoms of artism over time. If Zuckerberg begins posting Max-made stick drawings in a year or two, we’ll know for certain that she has indeed been doomed to the volatile life of an artist.
KWTF will keep you updated as this story develops.
About the Author
Mother of Doom and Destruction, Alison Huff is a writer who actually lives on a road named Mock; a move she felt was kismet. A contributor to anthologies and random websites that strike her fancy, she regularly writes for BLUNTmoms and on her own blog, Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt. You can follow Alison on the Facebook and the Twitter.