Breaking news, ladies. Turns out, doctors have been right about how much time you don’t have to pop out a baby; their terminology when delivering such soul-crushing news, however, has been oh-so-wrong.
The Huffington Post reports that the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has revised their findings that women’s eggs start to become useless at age 32 and really fucking useless after age 37 to include “more forceful language in encouraging women struggling to conceive to be referred to fertility specialists.”
To be clear, the inclusion of scare tactics “is not intended to alarm women, or to suggest that age is the primary cause of fertility problems.” It’s just intended to get you old bitches on your backs sooner rather than later.
Contrary to what Jean Twenge, who wrote The Impatient Woman’s Guide to Getting Pregnant, said in The Atlantic about the medical community using questionable research to bully women into getting knocked up sooner or to seek medical assistance to do so, specialists say, no, the data suggesting you will die forever childless and alone if you don’t hurry up and make a baby already is pretty solid.
It would appear, ladies, that your eggs are not only diminishing in number, but also only the really crappy ones tend to stick around this long (which seems to defy logic if you really think about it, no?). So if you have any hope of populating the earth with your progeny, you’d better break out that life plan you created when you were 13 and turn on the slow jams in the bedroom.
And if you’ve never calculated exactly how many children you want to have, how many months apart you want them, what their genders will be, and where you’ll send them to college, first of all, what the fuck’s wrong with you? All girls are supposed to have been dreaming of the day the entire purpose of their existence in this world is realized. Second of all, get on that now.
If now doesn’t seem like such a good time for you, it’s OK. Currently, you can freeze your eggs without being looked at like some sort of lunatic. The medical community no longer thinks of such stuff as experimental crap that sad, aging women do to try to hold on to their youth. It’s like a legit thing nobody judges you for anymore.
Whatever you choose to do, the vagina doctors of America are here for you, revising their findings to include really mean language that’s not intended to frighten you, but rather just to make you aware that your future is pretty much bleak and hopeless unless you go ahead and do it immediately.
So…what are you waiting for? YOUR EGGS ARE DYING, for Christ’s sake.