I’m no fashionista, but I like to think I have some idea about how to present myself in public.  Sure, I have my sloppy days (which, between you and me, seem to be happening more frequently), but there are some things I would never.

Just never.

In an attempt to help my fellow sisters stay hip (unlike my lingo here), I’ve compiled a list of fashion crimes I simply canNOT condone any longer.  Ladies: If you want to appear en vogue (even if you possess zero understanding of fashion), purge your closets and drawers of the following items.  Immediately.

Scrunchies  

Stop it with these already.  They might have been hot in the 90s (might have been), but they are most definitely not hot now.  Need to tie your hair up?  Try some of these options from Twistband or Emi Jay, good for people of all ages.

Crocs

These aren’t fashionable.  They’ve never been fashionable.  They might be comfortable, but I can’t think of a single outfit they complement.  There are plenty of alternatives out there that are both comfortable and mode.  Try Payless or DSW for knockoffs and discounts on name brand flats, pumps, and boots.  But stay away from those Crocs, which, unfortunately, are even sold at some of the most fashionable shoe outlets.

Mom Jeans

If you know what these are, you’re probably safe.  If you don’t?  Time to self scrutinize.  Mom Jeans are those terribly tapered, high-waisted, sometimes pleated, and always unflattering excuses for pants often sold at large retail supermarkets.  Jeans are definitely something worth investing in.  You can purchase age-appropriate jeans from Banana Republic, Gap, or J. Crew.  If you really want to splurge, try Seven for All Mankind (some of my favorites).

Tights as Pants

This one is no secret, as the internet has exploded in opposition to this trend.  There are still some, however, who haven’t received the message.  Tights and leggings are not the same things.  Tights are like pantyhose, only not usually see-through.  Leggings can be worn in place of pants.  Even so, not all leggings are appropriate to wear alone.  If the leggings/jeggings have a button, zipper, and/or pockets, they’re probably safe.  If they don’t and you’re not sure, treat them as though they’re tights and only wear them under a skirt or dress.

Pajamas in Public

This one was tough for me to write, as I’ve been known to drop my kids off at school or head up to the liquor store in my PJs, but it needs to be said anyway.  Pajamas are not public attire and should not be worn to purchase a car, sign a mortgage agreement, show up for a dentist appointment, or attend a parent/teacher conference.  If you’re going for comfy, try a long sweater with a scarf, some leggings, and some designer boots.  Comfy and vogue.

Clothes That Don’t Fit

Whether they’re too big or too small, wearing clothes that don’t fit isn’t flattering.  There are some articles that can be worn big (oversize sweaters paired with leggings and boots or skinny jeans and pumps, for example), but for the most part, it’s best to dress for your size.  Listen up, because this part is important: Just because you have one pair of pants in a size 6 doesn’t mean everything you buy should be size 6.  The clothing in my closet ranges from S to L and spans 3 pants and dress sizes.  Each brand is sized differently, and even clothing within a brand can vary when it comes to size.  Your best bet is to try it on and buy whatever fits best, even if it’s a size bigger or a size smaller than you might normally purchase.

Butt Crack and Cleavage

Nobody wants to see that.  (No, really.  After a certain age, nobody wants to see that.)  Part of this corresponds with dressing for your age. Another part corresponds with choosing the right size.  The final part corresponds with what the fuck are you thinking?  If you’re legally allowed to drink, I’d say it’s time to tuck your assets back where they belong (pun totally intended).  There’s obviously some leeway, but I’m just throwing a definite cutting off point out there.

Anything with Butt Lettering

Teenagers love that stuff, but nobody with an adult job should be wearing it.  Ever.  This doesn’t mean you can’t shop the Victoria’s Secret PINK line; just maybe stay away from the entire section devoted to drawing attention to one’s backside.

Fanny Packs  

What are you doing?  If it’s not 1985 and you’re not at Disney World (in 1985; you’re not at Disney World in 1985), put that thing away.  I do realize they even make designer fanny packs, but I’m here to say, no.  Just no.  Carry a purse or take only what slips into your pocket seamlessly.

Shorty Shorts

Unless you’re 13 and haven’t gotten your hips yet, you don’t belong anywhere near these so-called shorts.  Opt for a sundress just above the knee, a cute skirt, or a pair of stylish capris instead.  Leave the shorty shorts to tweens and Richard Simmons.

Denim on Denim

It’s not OK to wear a jean jacket or jean shirt with jeans, jean shorts, or a jean skirt.  You can, however, pair a jean top with pretty much any other color on bottom.  A splash of color — a belt, scarf, necklace, or pant — can make a nice jean-on-top outfit.

Boxy Clothes

Boxy attire makes you look like Sponge Bob Square Pants.  And you don’t want to look like Sponge Bob Square Pants.  Opt for items that flatter your specific body type instead.  Whether you’re rail thin, curvy, big chested, or long torso-ed, there’s a style that fits you best.  Choose that one over looking like you fashioned a dress out of your drapes.

What other fashion faux pas can you think of?

NOTE: I haven’t been paid to promote any of these brands or links.  Just my own personal opinions here.