By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars

A 42-year-old woman received the shock of a lifetime—or, rather, the afterlifetime—when she mixed her late mother’s ashes with a combination of essential oils and then watched her rise from the dead.

“I was just trying to freshen her up a bit,” says Nancy Ernecro, whose mother passed away last year due to postoperative complications that arose after some extensive surgery.

“She’d been sitting up there on the mantle for so long, you know, and I wasn’t sure if she’d start to smell or something. And I had all these little bottles of smelly oils in the bathroom—I bought them about a month ago from that baby-wearing kale lover next door, just to shut her up. I didn’t think I’d ever actually use them for anything, but I had to cash in my IRA to pay for them, and I didn’t want that money to go to total waste.

“I thought they were basically itty bitty bottles of air freshener. I mean, they all had these fancy, aromatic names: Lavender, Cedarwood, Clove, Peppermint. What else would they be? I guess I should have paid attention at that dōntTERRA party that hippie dippy dragged me to. I honestly had no idea just how powerful they are.”

Ernecro says she combined her mother’s ashes with a mixture of Rosemary, Frankincense, Sandalwood, and Clary Sage oils (the last of which, she tells us, also happens to be what “that crunchy solicitor named that baby she wears around everywhere.”)

“I put a few drops of each in the urn, gave it a few good shakes, and then popped it back up on the mantel. I’d say it was about 30 minutes later or so when I had a feeling something strange was going on.

“So there I was, sitting on the couch watching Wheel of Fortune, when I felt this wind blow past me. I had all the windows closed, so I knew it hadn’t come from outside. Then I heard this clatter and looked up. It had knocked the urn off the mantel, scattering Mom’s ashes everywhere.

“They kind of did this swirly thing in the air, like what I imagine a sandstorm might look like. And POOF! All of a sudden Mom’s just standing there, in front of the fireplace, telling me it’s time for that tramp Vanna White to start dressing her age.”

Ernecro believes her mother’s resurrection is the result of the specific oils she mixed with the ashes.

“So I’m still not sure how the Clary Sage fits into all this,” she says. “But when you look at the other ones I used, it all makes sense. RoseMARY, as in ‘Mother of God?’ Frankincense, like the stuff the three kings brought Jesus when he was born? And SANDALwood. Everyone knows Jesus was famous for that particular footwear.

“Obviously, I summoned the Son of God to my living room, and He performed a miracle. With the help of the oils, of course.”

Ernecro says her mother, Bertha, appears to be in good health, apart from a mild case of Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, which illnesspedia.org defines as “a lung disease due to the inhalation of fine silica dust.” (She also tells us the surgery that initially claimed her mother’s life was of the “plastic” variety, which would explain the presence of silicone.)

“It’s also the longest word in the dictionary,” she says, adding that her mom’s condition is well under control, thanks to antibiotics, a bronchodilator, and—of course—more essential oils.

“They really are an absolute life-saver!”

Ernecro has been encouraging her mother to avoid reporters for the time being, as she doesn’t want “the stress of being a supernatural sensation” to put her right back where she started.

However, she assures us that Bertha is thrilled to be back and that she hopes to make it onto Wheel of Fortune as a contestant before she goes again, “so she can finally tell that floozy of a hostess to put some f*cking clothes on.”

Meanwhile, Ernecro is working on startup plans for her own essential oils line, which she plans to call “Lazarus Lube.” (Her mother reportedly insists that the name needs some work.)

Related Post: Things I’ve Heard on Kids Shows That I Just Can’t Even

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About the Author

Samantha Wassel is a Stay-At-Home Mama to the cutest twin toddlers in the history of all Toddlerdom. When she’s not running her borderline-offensive mouth, she’s running masochistically long distances, often with the aforementioned toddlers in tow. She enjoys reading, writing, baking, marathoning, complaining, photographing, playgrounding, and Ghirardelli Midnight Reverie chocolate bars. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, Club Mid, In the Powder Room, Bluntmoms, and Mamalode. Follow her on Facebook and check out her personal blog, Between the Monkey Bars.