By E. R. Catalano of Zoe vs. The Universe
To be honest, when I first heard the term WikiLeaks, I thought they were talking about some Maori kid who peed his pants. But when my people brought me up to speed, I decided I better write something to set the record straight.
First of all, some of these alleged emails have been doctored. I never said, “Mommy is a poopy butt,” or if I said it, I didn’t mean it, and if I did mean it, it was taken out of context.
There are a lot of contexts where someone can be a poopy butt and it can be a good thing. I can’t think of any, but I have a lot on my mind just now, what with my school’s candy sale and trying to figure out how I can make money selling chocolate to myself. I can’t be expected to remember everything. Besides, I think this whole email hack thing is just a distraction from the important issues, like how many chocolate bars you can buy from me for me, or how much later I can go to bed.
In the leaked documents, there’s also the implication I’m for unfair trade. I think it’s very fair when I get more than other people. It’s more fair to me. I like chocolate (see previous statements) and, also, to win games. And for you to not say you let me win. That ruins it. (But let me win.)
Another thing is that, sometimes, as a person living with a lot of stress, I need to vent to close personal associates. Like in my email addressed to the cat that you’re upset about—with the expectation of privacy, by the way—where I said Mommy is unfair and never lets me do anything and doesn’t want me to be happy or she’d let me play all night and never sleep after eating all the chocolate. I think you need to grow up mentally as much as I do physically. I mean, did you really need to read that to know what I was thinking?
The cat agrees with me.
You may also have heard about the email I sent to everyone in your contacts where I gave them all your passwords. First of all, “1234password” is ridiculous. Make your passwords harder, a higher number at least, like ten thousand one hundred fifty thousand. No one could guess that. It’s not my fault if you do these things to yourself.
My public persona and my private persona both question your judgment and also wonder why the cat doesn’t wear pants. He’s naked and you don’t see a problem. But God forbid I pee with the door open. Double standard.
Okay, I guess I did admit in one of those emails that sometimes I know when I’m being bad but do it anyway and play dumb because I know, as the Mommy, you have to forgive me. Some call that taking advantage, but I just think that’s smart.
I think it’s time to move past this and forge a new relationship based on mutual respect and a constant supply of chocolate. To my mouth.
Because you know what they say: kid pro quo. You scratch my back and I let you rub my back till I fall asleep.
A version of this post was originally published on Zoe vs. The Universe.
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About the Author
E. R. Catalano is a writer and mother of one evil mastermind living in Brooklyn, NY. She writes a humor blog at www.zoevstheuniverse.com, and she’s a contributor to I Just Want to Be Perfect, The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, and Never Will I Ever (and Then I Had Kids). Her writing has also appeared on McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and HaHas for HooHahs, among others. You can follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/zoevstheuniverse and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse.