Humor Life

Why I Hate People: An Exploration of People’s Suckitude

I hate people.

Not as in the I-don’t-like-humans-as-a-whole sort of way, but rather as in the some-people-suck-so-hard-I-want-to-nut-punch-their-unborn-progeny sort of way.

You know that sort of way, right?

First, there are the perpetrators of mass torment and genocide.  Their level of suckitude is so vile, it’s impossible to surpass.  Next there are the child abusers and rapists.  Their suckitude is a close second.  Then there are people who are rude to wait staff, the disabled, and the elderly.  Their suckitude is such a constant that they’re in an indefinite running for Douche Nozzle of the Year.  Finally, there are the disagreeable and uncooperative.

These are the people I’m talking about here.

You know the type: resistant to change, grouchy at the core, and living in a constant state of complaint and negativity.  If it’s a new idea, it’s bad.  If it requires the potential for adjustment on their part, it’s dumb.  If it in any way resembles progress or is different from their norm, they’ll whine and moan and bitch and make everyone around them miserable.  Like Mr. Sammich says, the type of people who, if offered a million dollars with no strings attached, would grumble and protest that they don’t want it in one lump sum or that they’d rather receive it in check form instead of cash.


They thrive on opposition, these people.  I’ve become certain of it.

I’m not saying I’m easy to get along with all the time.  I’d say I’m most frequently the opposite.  I definitely have my negative moments and find more than half of what I encounter on a daily basis to be stupid.  But you see, I don’t go around telling the people who are spearheading new initiatives that they are ridiculous or  interject irrational and irrelevant complaints in an attempt to…do what, exactly?  Make whatever it is I don’t like stop?  I’m not sure what these whiners think they’ll accomplish with their incessant bitching.  I keep my complaints and chastisement to the small confines of family, friends, and select colleagues.  They’re the ones who have to put up with my bitching.  Not the people responsible for my bitching.  The people who are supposed to love me, or at the very least, have to put up with me.

YOU’RE WELCOME, FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND COLLEAGUES (and now, apparently, blog readers). YOU’RE WELCOME.

I guess what I’m trying to accomplish with this is two-fold: 1.) to rally fellow people-haters in joint loathing of all the whiners, bitchers, and moaners of the world, and 2.) to get all the whiners, bitchers, and moaners of the world to just fucking stop sucking so hard already. Please.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go subject Mr. Sammich to my incessant bellyaching about the people who are blaming President Obama for turning the country gay.

Hey, look! It appears I’m not alone:

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