By Kimmie Fink of Kimmie Fink Consulting
According to the moms on the discussion boards, the family bed is a magical place where emotional bonds between baby and parents are nurtured, mom breastfeeds without waking up, baby feels safe and secure, snuggle-filled memories are made, and unicorns crap rainbows. There’s no way these women are sleeping with the tiny demon (of the squirmy, thrashing, wiggly variety) that I am. When that darling little dictator is in our bed, the most we can hope for is “co-resting.”
My husband and I were against co-sleeping in theory from the beginning. My books told me it was associated with less quality sleep for parents, risk of suffocation and fall, and a two- to three-fold increase in SIDS.
No thanks.
We planned to put our newborn daughter in a bassinet next to our bed, which we did. That’s not to say I didn’t break the rules. I definitely fell asleep with her a few times during those first exhausting few weeks when she was cluster-feeding. If my husband caught us, he would shake me awake and yell, “We don’t co-sleep!” And back into the bassinet she’d go.
We made the transition to a crib in her own room when she could roll over (around 3 or 4 months). It wasn’t easy. One night, she woke up screaming and wouldn’t stop. We’d fed and changed her and knew she was tired. I was tempted to bring her into bed with us, but we looked at each other, said “fuck it,” and let her cry it out. Shortly after that, she started sleeping through the night. I’m talking 12 glorious, uninterrupted hours. #hatersgonnahate #sorrynotsorry #iknowhowhashtagsworkimjustbeingfacetious
So we were good to go, right? Baby was sleeping through the night exactly where we wanted her, and no permanent damage was done to her psyche (my kid is very much attached to us, thanks for your concern). Unfortunately, we’ve had two situations where we’ve had to bring baby into our bed:
1) Hotels: Our family travels quite a bit (we’re military), and my husband and I love ourselves a Holiday Inn Express. They even provide you with a crib. They don’t, however, provide you with a baby willing to sleep in that crib when her parents are in her sight line. She stands up and wails like a banshee. It’s like she’s screaming, “Hey, assholes! I can see you there! Pick me the fuck up!” I have seriously considered putting her in the bathroom and closing the door, but she invariably ends up on my chest, head on my shoulder and thumb in her mouth, in the bed.
2) Nightmares: Every once in a while, my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night. Usually, my ninja mom skills (rocking, shushing, singing) are enough to get her settle back down after a nightmare. But this doesn’t always work, especially if it happens on the first night my husband is back after being in the field. She won’t calm down until I bring her into the bed and she can be reassured that her daddy is still there. And then she wants to stay there, right between us.
These are pretty much the worst nights of sleep we have ever had. Neither of us gets much shut-eye when we’re worried about rolling on top of her. Plus, she takes forever to settle down. Her going-to-sleep routine involves multiple downward dogs, putting her stinky feet in my face, and using her dad’s back as a drum.
My husband describes the experience of co-sleeping in the worst way he can think of: “It’s like sleeping with two of you.” Thanks, honey. Apparently, we’re both programmed to take all the covers and push him out of bed. And pull his chest hair out for fun. Oops.
For me, if I ever do drift off into blissful REM sleep, my mommy instincts jolt me awake. I throw back the covers and look around frantically for the baby. This sometimes even happens when she’s in the crib. I feel like she’s been on me and then she’s missing. I have to get myself to look at the video monitor to remind myself where she is and that she’s okay. It’s emotionally taxing.
So yeah. I pretty much think co-sleeping is the worst idea in the universe. If it works for you, more power to you. It’s just not for me and my family. I adore my little pudding cup, and I love having her close to me. I also know that being well-rested makes me a better mommy for her during the day.
So pardon me while I enjoy an excellent night’s sleep in my blissfully baby-free bed.
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About the Author
Kimmie Fink is a stay-at-home mom to a one year-old, a former teacher, and an education consultant. When she’s not changing poopy diapers, she blogs on issues of diversity and equity for elementary educators and parents of young children. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinteres