When we’re old and gray and our kids ask us, “Grandma and Grandpa, what was it like back then?” What will we tell them? We were the first tech-savvy generation and stared at our phones all day. Social media was new and exciting and sucked out our sense of security and self-esteem. And, oh! Yes, that’s right. Lettuce turned against us.
Lettuce, they’ll say?
Yep, kids. Lettuce rebelled, we’ll say, specifically Romaine. Lettuce said, You know, America? You’re a fucking dumpster fire and I want no part of you anymore so I’m going to infect myself with E.coli.
And we didn’t blame the lettuce because that was the truth. It was right before Thanksgiving of 2018. I can remember it clearly because Aunt MaryAnne was all set to bring salad and at the last minute had to switch to a veggie tray and we all had to hear about it for an hour while her annoying son Chester clogged the toilet.
And then our grandkids will think we’re crazy because why the hell was lettuce the devil that year? And who is Aunt MaryAnne? We won’t remember, but hopefully we’ll be able to find some old tweets like these to remind us of that one Thanksgiving without Romaine (when no one really cared because salads are sad).
Trying to figure out if giving myself e.coli by eating the 4 bags of lettuce I have here is worth the hospital stay to avoid the holidays, if you want to know how excited I am for tomorrow.
— Dee 🥃 (@DivinaDeeMe) November 21, 2018
vegans prolly be mad as hell they just gonna be sitting at the kids table tomorrow eatin they e. coli romaine lettuce with salt and pepper
— wus poppin jimbo (@BillRatchet) November 21, 2018
As the US suffers another lettuce based E. coli scare, violent clashes break out between leaf and romaine supporters.
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) November 21, 2018
US consumers are warned to stay away from Romaine lettuce after 13 people were hospitalized with a food poisoning illness caused by E. Coli.
I knew that one day my steady diet of chicken nuggets, donuts and chef boyardee would pay off.
— Rich Goeckel (@RichGoeckel) November 21, 2018
you can’t get e. coli from lettuce if you only eat blue food pic.twitter.com/8OtvcETQaT
— The Lightning Thief (@LTMusical) November 20, 2018
Lettuce is giving people E. coli.
I guess I am hereby forced to resort to pizza. Life’s rough sometimes.
— Craig Robinson (@ItsEpi) November 20, 2018
Oh eff I eat a salad ONE TIME and it just happened to be today and now I’m seeing one zillion articles about E. coli in romaine lettuce so bye forever
— thank u, next (@livjstromme) November 21, 2018
So all romaine lettuce has been deemed hazardous by the CDC due to a new E. Coli outbreak, Peter Rabbit boutta fuckin die pic.twitter.com/vSEtVDJhB3
— Jango (@iijangoii) November 20, 2018
Her: I just ate some romaine and I’m afraid it might be bad
Me: *whispering* ᴸᵉᵗᵗᵘᶜᵉ ᵖʳᵉʸ
— Dropped Standards (@rebrafsim) November 21, 2018
[eats cocaine-laced Romaine off a hooker’s ass]
If I’m going to die from lettuce, it better be a good story.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) November 21, 2018
Wife: There’s a recall on romaine lettuce for food poisoning.
Me, who’s never eaten a salad in my entire life: I was right.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2018
Excitedly nibbles on romaine lettuce while staring at my cubicle wall for the next 5 hours.
— Jandalize (@Jandalize) November 21, 2018
Officials: Do not eat romaine lettuce!
Me: Not a problem.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 21, 2018
[First day as a detective]
Partner: Forensics says she most likely died from eating that tainted lettuce over there.
Me, trying to impress him: You have the right to ROMAINE silent!
— Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) November 21, 2018
Authorities cannot explain
Why this is occurring again.
But one thing is clear:
We must learn to fear
The evilest lettuce, romaine.
— Limericking (@Limericking) November 21, 2018
The Romaine Lettuce Challenge is the new Tide Pod Challenge.
— Justin Staggs (@Staggfilms) November 21, 2018
Me: Oh wow too bad romaine lettuce is all infected, looks like I can’t have salads for another few years.
Friend: The outbreak will probably only last-
Me: WOW TOO BAD no salad for a few years
— Candied Yaelms (@elle91) November 21, 2018
If you really believe the media is fake news, now is your chance to eat all the lettuce. https://t.co/FcECWp6Jn3
— Jane McManus (@janesports) November 21, 2018
The CDC is urging us to throw away any and all romaine lettuce. Then disinfect your fridge. Throw away any food that touched the romaine. Disinfect your hands. Now throw your sink in the garbage. Put the fridge on the curb. Just renovate the whole kitchen, you deserve it.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 21, 2018
The CDC issued a nation wide warning: do not eat ANY romaine lettuce.
My kids have decided to not eat any vegetables ever, to be extra safe.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 20, 2018
Listen, romaine lettuce, all I’m saying is that fistfuls of cake never had me bent over the toilet with a bucket under my ass just in case.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 22, 2018
So in case you haven’t heard, lettuce is bad right now (specifically Romaine) and it looks like you’ll have to spend this Thanksgiving getting drunk solely on turkey and pie and booze.
And this will forevermore be known as the best holiday ever. Sorry, Aunt MaryAnne.