By Heather Sadlemire
My daughter is almost 3. In fact, she will turn 3 two weeks after Christmas, which is partially the reason behind this post. She’s the only grandchild on one side of the family and only one of two (she’s the oldest) on the other side. We are beyond lucky to be surrounded by family and friends that adore our precocious little snowflake. And, we know, come Christmas and her birthday, they will want to put their affection on display by lavishing her with plenty of gifts. Our family is both thoughtful and generous when it comes to gift giving. But Imma lay it out for them – ‘tis the season for no more crap.
Please, please, PLEASE hear me out on this one before calling me an ungrateful betch.
I’ve taken the time to put together a checklist for you to glance over before ignoring my wishes and buying the previously mentioned crap anyway.
1. If its only function is to light up, twirl, or make noise, you can just go ahead and skip over that one. We don’t need a plastic Olaf figurine that spins around on a glowing platform while playing 24 seconds of “In Summer” no matter how much Snowflake insists that she does when she’s tricked you into taking her to Target.
2. Skip the plastic food and, instead, make a real donation to a food pantry on our behalf. We have so many plastic bananas that I should be able to think of a really filthy joke to insert in this section, but I am distracted by the amount of plastic bananas we have shoved in random crevices (I used enough keywords there for you to come up with your own joke.)
3. DO give her gift certificates to places you can go together. This one actually SAVES you money because now you can just gift ME a post-it that says, “I’m taking her to Chuck E Cheese. Now, you get an afternoon off and, also, you don’t have to go to Chuck E Cheese. Happy holidays!”
4. No more stuffed animals, man. A seasonal stuffed animal is a double whammy and should be treated as such. I know Grandpa means well when he purchases her teddy bears dressed in their finest Christmas attire, which are also monogrammed with the year, but you know what? It gets loved for approximately 9 seconds before we’ve moved on to open one of the 90 surprise bags she’s received. (Still crossing our fingers for a Marsha Mellow Shopkins. It’s ULTRA rare, guys.) And then Teddy 2016 will get thrown up into the stuffed animal hammock with Teddy 2015 and Teddy 2014 and, really, don’t they deserve a better life than that? Let someone else at Walmart give them that life. #mongrammedTeddylivesmatter #justnotinmyhouse
5. DO purchase her boring items, such as new towels or socks. Oooh, or bubble bath! It seems that every time she goes to take a bath, my daughter “accidentally” pours in half a bottle of the stuff, which has led to a fairly large contribution on our part to Mr. Johnson & Johnson’s new addition on the vacation home.
Listen, I know you mean well. And I appreciate it. We all do. But our house can only hold so much stuff. Something has got to go. And, like I said, don’t you think Teddy 2016 deserves a fair Christmas chance? Doesn’t she deserve love just like any other teddy? Let her find that love.
In someone else’s house.
*******
About the Author
Heather is a marketing director and NY native (of the Upstate variety) who has to cover the last few pages of a good book with her hands so that she doesn’t skim ahead and ruin the ending. In between scouring the clearance racks at Target and stalking Mindy Kaling’s Twitter feed, she performs Disney numbers for her daughter (a toddler who can’t object) and husband (who knew what he was getting into when he put a ring on it.) Follow her on Twitter.