By Heather Sadlemire
Before our now 2.5-year-old daughter was born, we had a long list of Never Will Wes. How cute we were. Never will we give her a binky. (That one lasted four hours into our arrival home after the hospital. She was crying. Why won’t she stop? Is she dying? Where are those binkies we got from the baby shower?!)
Never will we give her fast food. (A few days ago, I pulled up to pay for our order at Wendy’s. After the cashier handed me back my card, my daughter goes, “Mama, what you doing? Pull to the next window to get our food.” We frequent McDonald’s so much that I had to explain to her that Wendy’s only has one window.)
Never will we allow her an abundance of screen time.
Ha. What fools. To quote my favorite 90s socialite Kathryn Merteuil from Cruel Intentions: “Everybody does it; it’s just that nobody talks about it.” So I’m talking about it. Here is why I love me some screen time.
Without screen time, how would I have ever known that there are adults out there making money filming themselves playing with Play-Doh? Back in my day, you had to film yourself playing with a different type of D to make some extra cash.
Without screen time, how would I have ever known who foxy Roland, King of Enchancia is? Let’s be real here – Sofia’s mom didn’t marry him for his smarts. Home slice isn’t the brightest bulb in the box. And, honestly, he’s not a fantastic ruler.
Remember that episode when the royal fam is on a beach vaca and Sofia finds that key? Then, Princess Lani of Hakalo shows up and is all, “An evil witch tried stealing the magical key to my kingdom!” But then the magical witch, cloned to look like Princess Lani, shows up and was all, “Yo, my name is Princess LEI-Lani and Imma need my key back”? Roland decides that the best way to determine who is the real princess is by arranging a competition composed of a series of three totally random challenges which would essentially prove nothing. Probably not the best way to go about things, King. Especially since you ended up being wrong. But damn, his big, strong shoulders, tho.
And, lastly, without screen time, how would I ever accomplish anything? Ever. I have to put away groceries? Honey, why don’t you go help Doc take care of some animals in that Pet Vet game? We’re already running late in the morning and, hmm, did I shower yesterday? No? Darling, why don’t you see if there’s a new episode of Mickey on the Disney Jr. app? The cashier at Wendy’s asked us to pull up (not to the second window, obviously) and wait because they just threw a new batch of nuggets in the fryer? Here, sweet girl. Why don’t you take mama’s phone and scroll through the 771 photos I have of you while we wait?
It’s all about Risk-Reward. Risking irreparable damage while rewarding myself with a few uninterrupted minutes to get shit done. Never will I give THAT up.
About the Author
Heather is a marketing director and NY native (of the Upstate variety) who has to cover the last few pages of a good book with her hands so that she doesn’t skim ahead and ruin the ending. In between scouring the clearance racks at Target and stalking Mindy Kaling’s Instagram, she performs Disney numbers for her daughter (a toddler who can’t object) and husband (who knew what he was getting into when he put a ring on it.) Follow her on Twitter.