Every single year, Fox News starts some bullshit controversy over Starbucks’ holiday cups, such as:
“Another year of the war on Christmas.”
“NOT JESUS-Y ENOUGH!”
“These are obviously tribute to the Lord of Darkness.”
“That particular red is a dog whistle to those slutty temptresses who seduced the good Adams of the world.”
2017 was no exception. Were they angry about this mermaid’s very obvious heart genitalia? Nope.
They were mad about the pair of androgynous “mystery hands” in the top corner that could have—GASP—belonged to a lesbian couple:
Seriously, this is what they’re mad about; cartoon arms that may belong to cartoon vagina owners. To us, this just looks like someone finally found Waldo and put some kind of ornament/tracking device on him.
But you know what else we see in that photo? Another heart vagina. This one looks like it probably shaves.
This should be what their controversy is about. Which also confirms our theory that nobody who works at Fox News knows what a vagina looks like.
I mean, look at it:
THAT IS CLEARLY A VAGINA. In fact, the longer we stare, the more we’re convinced that she’s given birth to those drinks, which are still attached by umbilical cord ribbons.
The Starbucks mermaid be like:
It’s like Starbucks knew that conservatives would be angry anyway, so they deliberately drew something they knew would infuriate them. What Starbucks didn’t take into consideration is that Republicans don’t believe in Sex Ed. Or they would have caught this. Surely. Right?
And as it turns out, this year’s Starbucks holiday ad does feature a lesbian couple. Imagine that: A consensual, loving relationship between two adults. The world could use a little more lady love.
We’re thankful for Starbucks promoting its labia agenda. In fact, our only complaint about their holiday ad is that there weren’t nearly enough heart vaginas.
Because, let’s face it, we’ve all seen our fair share of dicks in 2017.
Brought to you by the following badass contributors:
Serena Dorman, Anna Gracia, Rebecca Lang, Amber Leventry, Liv by Design, Crystal Lowery, and Joanna McClanahan.