Since becoming a parent, so much has changed. I’ve found new depths of love. I’ve rethought and reordered my priorities. I’ve purchased a product called a ‘snot-sipper’ and been delighted at how well it works. I’ve found fears I never knew I’d have. I’ve learned that ‘need’ and ‘want’ are very different things.

I’ve also been imbued with a brand new ‘superpower.’ I now possess an endless supply of ‘I don’t give a shit.’

It’s a delightful development, and it’s an attitude that can be applied to so much in life. I really can’t tell you how delighted I am to make this short list (the long list would be never-ending) of things that I, a dad to two toddler boys, truly couldn’t care less about.

New Music: All my bands/artists are in their 50s at minimum and long dead in a good many circumstances. While I’m almost certain that the music industry continued past the mid-90s, I’m equally certain that I don’t care and never will.

My Body: I think qualifying them as ‘man-boobs’ is so aspirational that it’s misleading. They’re just boobs at this point.

Kids: Other than my own, of course. They really seem great. I’m sure they are a lot of fun and just wonderful.

‘The Real’ Lives of Anyone: If your program’s title begins with ‘The Real…’ you are lying.

Restaurants That Don’t Have Kids’ Menus: You’re dead to me. All of you.

Your Thoughts on Gay Marriage: There is correct and incorrect when it comes to this one. If you are incorrect, there’s no argument I can make that will change your mind. You’ll have to do that on your own and in your own time.

Screen Time: Except for mine. Don’t fuck with mine.

Helicopter vs. Free Range Parenting: I claim to bemoan helicopter parents. Meanwhile, I quit my job and changed career course midstream just to be able to take them with me to work. So, you know, not tons of consistency.

Consistency

Cleaning My Car: I prefer to just wish it were clean.

Debt: It weighs on me. It does. But really, am I going to stop buying groceries, paying the mortgage and not vacationing?

Teen Vampire Novels and Their Movie Adaptations: I have sons and will only try these things if they become interested. Not looking likely so far.

Movies Made in My Children’s Lifetime: If it’s a movie I can’t access easily from my couch, watch mindlessly and drift in and out of sleep without feeling I missed too much, I have no use for it.

My Weight: This might be denial.

Your Opinion on My Parenting Style: Seriously. Get a life.

It’s incredibly freeing to care so much about things that really matter now, like the two little humans I raise and their mom and to know that it’s okay to officially stop caring about so much that makes no difference to their world.

You should give it a try.