Maybe you told yourself you’re gonna get healthy this year. Maybe that you needed more unpronounceable foods in your diet. Well, this smoothie’s gonna blow your motherlovin’ knee socks off.

After one sip of this smoothie, you’re gonna see God, yet disavow all religions afterward. Finish one glass and your regular theisms ain’t gonna cut it anymore.

You’re not making this smoothie while performing sun salutation or while answering emails. This smoothie requires proper focus, if not veneration. It’s beyond nirvana.

Here’s what you need:

-Organic kale

-Lingonberries, or red currants

-Diamond extract

-Nickel from the earth’s core

-Blood from a freshly slaughtered reindeer

-Tears from that reindeer’s closest friends (This may seem cruel, but the benefits to your complexion cannot be exaggerated.)

-Catalyzed cacao

-An emulsion made from lemon water, whispers from your past life, and a dash of dark matter

-Two pine cones

-Half a banana for smoothness

And finally, the secret ingredient… it’s from a newly discovered plant harvested by only the most talented Tibetan ninja Sherpas. They bring the plant back to their monk overlord who puts it in a centrifuge created by his thoughts until it’s broken down to its constituent parts, one of which is a chemical element called xn̈n, one of the only words in any language to have an umlaut over a consonant. And the x is silent. They bring it to you now so you can make this kick-ass smoothie.

Oh yeah, and don’t even think of drinking it unless you’re wearing a white tuxedo jacket, because white is the color of gastrointestinal purity and a tuxedo just says respect.

*****

About the Author

E. R. Catalano is a writer and mother of one evil mastermind living in Brooklyn, NY. She writes a humor blog at www.zoevstheuniverse.com. She is a contributor to The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets and the forthcoming Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever, and her humorous essays have appeared on Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Club Mid, BLUNTmoms, and Mamapedia. You can follow her on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse and on Facebook.