Just when you thought 2018 had decided to be kinder to women’s fashion, along comes the ‘Extreme Cut Out Jean’ by L.A.-based brand Carmar to fug up our existence.
Selling for $168 a pop, which is a mere $167.50 above their value, these Depression-era eyesores are “a high rise pant with large statement cutouts on front and back.” Not included in the product description: “Just like Grandma used to wear while eating rat skin soup and trying not to die during the Dust Bowl and perfect for anyone whose dignity is sparser than the fabric we used to make this bullshittery.”
Lest ye think these denim strings masquerading as pants have no redeeming qualities, hold up because THEY HAVE POCKETS.
Thank God, really, because I was thinking I was going to have to shove my debit card up my ass crack along with the backside of my new Huckleberry Finns.
Also available is a zipper. Because we can’t just be strutting around with our lotus flowers on display, now can we, lolololololol? Modesty is Carmar’s middle name, after all.
Bit o’ bad news, though. Not included in your purchase is that fetching body suit which in no way rides up the creases of your meat curtains, leading to a raging UTI and need for reconstructive vaginoplasty probably. Also not included: disability insurance for when you inevitably get tangled up trying to put these rope trousers on and fall head-first into your vanity mirror, rendering yourself bedridden for a month.
And if you’re wondering, “Who in their right mind would spend money to wear patchworked drain snakes as pants?” just know that there’s a wait list to order. A WAIT LIST.
While everyone in L.A. is taking flash mob to a whole new level this summer, I’mma save my $168 and splurge on several pairs of pants that perform the function they were designed to, which is, ya know, TO BE PANTS.
You had one job, Carmar.
And America, this is why we can’t have nice things.