I think we can all agree that 2016 has been a craptastic year. Things went from bad, to worse, to are you fucking kidding me? Here are the top 16 garbage events fueling the shitstorm that was 2016.
16. Flint, Michigan Water Crisis
Nearly 12,000 children in Flint, Michigan have been exposed to toxic levels of lead from drinking water after officials failed to provide corrosion inhibitors on the city’s lead pipes. Lead is a heavy metal neurotoxin which can cause irreversible brain damage, especially to children.
15. Britain Leaves the European Union
Brexit: something that seemed absurd and unlikely in January became a reality in June when Great Britain voted to leave the European Union. The move was touted to be in favor of isolationism, but in reality, it was an act of xenophobia. Following the decision, a vocal minority of Britons became emboldened to express their hatred for Eastern European immigrants and Muslims. The value of the pound is tanking in response.
14. Russia Hacks Our Election
The CIA has recently concluded that Russia hacked the Democratic National Party so that Donald Trump could win our presidential election.
It’s like, just mind your business, Russia. Don’t you have more important things to do? Like sort out your insane alcoholism problem or sew sequins on your Olympic men’s figure skating leotards in preparation for PyeongChang 2018 since you basically had to take a lap at the Rio Olympics due to doping? We don’t go over there and try to pull a creepy Putin off of his shirtless horse rides, now, do we? Dude thinks he’s a male supermodel, and he really looks like a baby meerkat, but with a WEAKER CHIN.
13. Celebrity Deaths
Whether it was David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, or Carrie Fisher, many of us are walking around in a cloud of micro-grief over the loss of artists who moved us. We may not have known them personally, but they accompanied us to our important life events–from our first jobs with the radio blasting “Faith,” to our first kisses watching Star Wars in our teenage basements, to the births of our first children when our iPod played “Little Red Corvette” to distract us from labor. Celebrity deaths hit close to home, and it is okay to feel sad about that.
12. Zika Virus
In February, The World Health Organization declared Zika virus to be a public health emergency, with an estimated 4 million affected. Zika causes the birth defect microcephaly when pregnant women are bitten by infected mosquitoes, though some anti-vaccine douchebag will probably blame the MMR shot because #2016sucks.
11. Olympic Cesspool
Brazil had an “odor problem” with its rowing events. The river in which athletes were competing was tainted and rotten. Speaking of tainted and rotten, Ryan Lochte also ruined the Olympics when he lied, claiming he was robbed at gunpoint at a gas station in Rio (what actually happened was that he vandalized a gas station bathroom while intoxicated). Before Brazilian police could charge him for making a false report, he hopped a plane back to the USA and joined the cast of Dancing With The Stars. Cha Cha childish, if you ask me.
10. Pulse Nightclub Shooting
After having wrestled with his own sexuality and religious beliefs, gunman Omar Mateen killed 49 people and wounded 53 at a gay bar he frequented in Orlando, Florida. The Pulse shooting was the deadliest attack on American soil since September 11th.
9. Alligator Kills Toddler at Disney
Three-year-old Lane Graves was building a sandcastle near his family at a Disney Resort when an alligator came out the water, grabbing him by the head and dragging him to his death. This event was heartbreaking for the family and for all of us with small children who understand that it could have happened to anyone. But mostly, it makes this top 16 list because it brought out internet trolls of epic proportions. The arrogant, pathetic shut-ins of the interwebs began to attack the poor family who lost their son. I love the internet for so many reasons. Trolls are not one of them. It takes a real shitbag to anonymously criticize a grieving mother.
8. Dallas Officers Killed
Troubled Veteran Michael Xavier Johnson opened fire on Dallas police while they were safeguarding a Black Lives Matter protest at a local college, killing five officers and injuring nine. Just when the Black Lives Matter movement was making headway in its attempt to peacefully raise awareness about the disadvantages black people face, the Dallas shootings put our nation three steps back. Tell me again why civilians need semi-automatic assault weapons?
7. The Rise of Lies
In 2015, we all thought Fox News was bad. Enter 2016. We have *certain presidents-elect* (ahem ahem) who now just make shit up. Shit that is obviously false. Shit that reporters dispute ON THE SPOT. Good grief, it’s making me wish I majored in Fact-Checking, because after our economy collapses in 2017, that is going to be the only industry with a massive supply of job openings.
6. Standing Rock
The Native American tribes of the Standing Rock Sioux Nation, North Dakota, protested for months to stop a natural gas pipeline from being constructed on their sacred ground. This is just one of many displacements the tribes have faced since colonial times. With Trump’s billionaires and oil tycoons chomping at the bit, the outlook looks bleak for the Sioux Nation.
5. Terrorist Attacks in Brussels and Nice
Bombings in the Brussels airport and subway killed 32 and injured 300. Investigations linked the attacks to the extremist group ISIS. Just months later in Nice, France, a similar attack occurred when a 19-ton cargo truck deliberately drove into a crowd during Bastille Day celebrations, causing 87 deaths and 434 injuries.
4. Brock Turner
Stanford Athlete Brock Turner served a three-month prison sentence as a punishment for raping an unconcious girl behind a dumpster. The punishment was horribly lenient, causing all of us to wonder how a judge would have ruled if the guy did not come from an upper-middle-class white family.
3. Epipen Price Surge
Mylan, the pharmaceutical company that makes the life-saving Epipen, decided to be Corporate Greed personified and hike the cost of a two-pack to $600. And the moms of the world wished upon them a thousand peanut allergies.
2. Clowns
And then there were clowns. By October, nearly all US states had reported sightings of people dressed up as evil clowns lurking in woodlands. It’s like Satan himself said, “Gee, I wonder how I can make 2016 any more ridiculous? Hmmm, clowns would be a nice touch. Let me scatter them about the forests to scare the bejesus out of America. Then I’ll help my baby meerkat friend hack the Presidential election.”
1. President-Elect Donald Trump
What the actual fuck, America? We’ve gone and done it now. We’ve elected a bigoted, trigger-happy toddler to lead the free world, alongside his cabinet of doom. He lost the popular vote by an unprecedented margin, and yet here we are. I really don’t know what to say about this man that hasn’t already been said. He’s going to lead us into World War Three. We’re stuck with him for the next four years, and the only thing we can do is to fight like hell to keep America a safe, inclusive place.
Here’s my plan: I’m going to use the dumpster fire that was 2016 to fuel my efforts in making 2017 better.
I’m going to love ferociously.
I’m going to use my voice to speak about what matters.
I’m going to be the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
And I’m going to stop putting my goals off for another year. Lord knows, the way things are going, we aren’t promised a 2018.