Catherine Elizabeth Clennan of Laramie, Wyoming has asked the good people of the internet to give her 5 million dollars. The reason is unclear.
According to her GoFundMe page, Clennan feels she needs to escape the war-torn oppression of Wyoming in order to fulfill her (yet again cryptic and ambiguous) dream. She is looking to ditch the faux-suede cowboy hats of Laramie in pursuit of the sunny shores of California.
I have made the choice to march to the beat of my own drum, to stop caring what people think, say, or do. I am tired of living by what society defines as the ‘right’ way to live, the ‘right’ way to make a living, the ‘right’ way to find your way.
With this choice I am in the process of turning my life in a new direction. Currently I live in Laramie, Wyoming. in a property owned by my family. They pay everything for me – and I am 27 years old. I feel that as long as I live by their definition I am ‘taken care of’, but this definition is leading me to deaths (sic) door – it forces me to live a lie – to turn my back to who I really am; a free spirit, an artist, a woman, a lesbian, a civil rights activist, a woman who goes against the grain, a woman who knows that not everything is as it seems.
Quick show of hands for our gay/lesbian readers: How many of you got 5 million dollars when you came out?
<crickets chirping>
What about you important civil rights leaders? Did someone give you 5 million smackeroos before you could lend your voice to the important issues?
<more crickets chirping>
So it seems that this woman might be abusing crowdfunding just a bit?
If that’s now ‘A Thing’, I’d like to set up a crowdfunding page for myself with the following requests:
- A shock collar for my MIL that emits a small electric pulse every time she criticizes me
- Someone to pay my mortgage in full
- A regular spot on The Tonight Show where I can offer my comedic stylings to America
- A mute button on my husband’s grooming habits, including, but not limited to: teeth brushing, nose blowing, and his morning bowel movement
- Children who get along more than 10% of their waking hours
- Bread without carbs
- My 19-year-old boobs back
I can only assume that the GoFundMe page is some sort of satirical farce, because no one is actually this stupid. If so, I tip my faux-suede cowboy hat to you, fellow comedian.