It’s summer vacation, which means at any given moment on any given day parents across the nation are flooding social media with complaints about how much they hate summer and what they wouldn’t give to send their kids back to school NOW.  RIGHT NOW.

This, of course, makes me laugh on some level, for as a teacher, I spend 9.5 months out of the year dealing with 150 of everybody else’s kids and their shitty behavior.  (And they say those who can’t, teach.)  But there’s also some level on which I agree with these parents.  I mean, as much as I love being home with my kids after ignoring them for the better part of a year in favor of directing my attention toward my students, they’re driving me nuts, y’all.

NUTS.

Which is why I’ve concocted the perfect summer survival guide for parents who are OK with being just OK:  The Mediocre Moms’ Guide to Surviving Summer.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

Let the TV babysit the kids.  Whoever said this is a bad practice obviously aspires to be Mom or Dad of the Year.  Not me.  This is an amazing practice.  Kids love TV.  You love your sanity.  And far as I know, nobody’s yet contracted life-threatening brain damage from too much Dora the Explorer.  I don’t see the downside here.

Lock the kids outside when they get whiny.  Being outdoors is good for them, and making it so they can’t come back inside only reinforces their creativity.  It’s amazing what kinds of things kids can contrive out of a few sticks and some rocks.  Worried the neighbors might complain about your kids’ incessant wailing and pleas to be allowed back indoors?  A gentle reminder that you’ve taken note of no fewer than 5 neighborhood association violations in their front yards alone ought to squelch their concerns lickety split.

Turn your kids loose in the grocery store.  A gal’s (or fella’s) got a right to shop in peace, right?  (And by gal [or fella], I mean you.)  So what if they knock everything off the end caps?  That’s why they hire stock boys, isn’t it?  You’re doing everyone a public service, really.  It’s the best birth control available to man.

Threaten to withhold meals until everybody calms the fuck down for at least two hours in a row.  Second only to…well…nothing, I suppose, eating is at the top of kids’ priority lists.  The best part?  They rely on you to provide it to them.  Kids being insufferable little shits?  Skip mid-morning snack.  Still at it at lunch time?  Make a nice, gooey grilled cheese and creamy tomato soup combo and devour it in front of them, taking care to “mmmmm” and “ahhhhhh” at all the right moments and to remind them that they, too, could take part if they’d quit acting like Satan’s spawn for one goddamn second.  Cruel?  Maybe.  But oh so effective.

Stock up on chicken nuggets and french fries.  Speaking of food, ain’t nobody got time for arguing about eating vegetables.  Stuff that freezer fulla fried fare and fire up the oven without worry.  They will be just fine without produce until fall.  Probably.

Allow them to make a mess out of basic household items.  If crapping up a house were an Olympic event, kids would win gold every time.  Don’t stop them when they start unraveling the toilet paper and decorating the entire bottom floor of the house with it or when they get into the bulk dish soap and spread it across the floor, pretending the layer is molten lava.  You’ve got a spouse who can clean that shit up when s/he gets home from work, anyway, don’t you?

Let the kids settle their differences alone.  Siblings love to fight.  It’s, like, in the handbook for How to Be a Sibling or something.  Normally, you’d step in to mediate, but now?  I say lock ’em in a room and let ’em figure it out themselves.  A little conflict resolution — whether it involves punches or not — puts hair on the chest (and according to my grandfather, that’s a good thing).

Encourage a riveting round of Quiet as a Mouse.  Convince your kids the game of seeing how long everyone can go without saying a word is all the rage.  Feel free to throw in a God-loves-the-quietest-children-the-best addendum if further persuasion is required.  Promise a pound of candy as a reward to whoever can last the longest.

Arrange play dates with friends, family, and neighbors, and then remember you have an appointment.  Set up a time when you and someone who has kids close in age to yours can get together to let the kids play.  Build this thing up as much as possible until your kids and theirs are about to burst from the excitement of it all.  On the day of the date, suddenly remember you have a Very Important Appointment you just can’t miss.  Your friend wouldn’t in her right mind cancel this thing and suffer the consequences of childhood disappointment.  Feign regret when you drop your kids off at her door, and take care not to let the sparkle of freedom in your eyes shine too brightly until you’re safely in your car and on your way to enjoying your well-deserved respite in ecstasy.

Become open-minded about torturing the pets.  The cat may not like riding in the baby carriage, and the dog may not agree with donning that bonnet, but when it comes down to it, is having its toenails forcibly painted really going to harm the guinea pig?