For many, pregnancy is this wonderfully glorious experience. For others, like me, pregnancy is exactly the opposite. Know someone who’s knocked up? Let me help you communicate with her.

I present to you a little something I’m calling Don’t Fucking Say These Things to Pregnant Women Ever. Or Pregnancy Comments to Avoid.  I’m calling it that, too.

You know you can’t eat _____, right?  Deli meat, hot dogs, sushi, soft cheese — insert any of these in the blank there and direct the comment toward somebody growing a life in her insides, and she just may punch your throat on the spot.  Unless she’s been shacked up in Nell for the past 20 years, chances are pretty good she’s received the same list of foods to avoid that the doctor hands out to all newly preggers patients, and she’s either privy to some medical understanding you’re not or has made a conscious decision that the risk of eating this food and squelching whatever misery she’s suffering through right now is worth it.  Back off, food police.

Wow, you’ve really packed on the LBs.  Speaking of food police, don’t ever comment on a pregnant woman’s weight.  EVER.  Whatever and however much she puts in her mouth and subsequently on her thighs is her goddamned business and between her and her doctor.  Unless you’re her doctor, lock it up, Michelle Obama.

Holy cow!  Are you having twins or triplets?  If you know the pregnant woman in question personally, I’m guessing you already know the answer to that question is just a singleton, and if you don’t know the pregnant woman in question personally, what the fuck are you doing commenting on the size of a stranger’s stomach directly to her face?  Moreover, if you’re asking the question out of genuine curiosity, try not to sound so shocked and condescending about the whole thing, and if you’re just trying to be funny, you’re not.  Not now, and probably not ever, so you should seriously consider retiring your stand up comedian pants and proudly sporting your douche bot badge from now on.

Are you sure you should be doing that?  Whether it’s running a mile every day or carrying the groceries from the car to the refrigerator, yes, she’s pretty darn sure she should be doing that and has likely received clearance from her medical professional way before you decided to sniff around someone else’s affairs.  She’s not looking for a life coach, and even if she were, you’re not hired, so zip it, nosy ass.

You can’t drink wine while you’re pregnant!  Actually, she can, and even if she couldn’t, it’s again none of your business.  Recent studies suggest pregnant women who drink lightly or moderately during pregnancy do not put their babies at any greater risk of neuropsychological development problems than mothers who abstain, so unless she’s playing beer pong or doing keg stands in the corner, it’s best to keep your busy body opinions to yourself.

Well, you may feel like crap now, but just think — it’s all worth it in the end.  It is all worth it in the end, but who the hell are you to rationalize her overpowering desire to die rather than endure another second of this morning sickness right now with some tired platitude about the joys of bringing life into the world (especially if you’re a man)?  Creating a human life can be down right miserable at times, and dammit, she’s allowed to whine and bitch and moan about it to her heart’s content without Positive Polly jumping in to butterfly and rainbow everything up.

You do know how babies are made, don’t you?  This one usually follows an unexpected pregnancy or announcement that a woman is pregnant with one more child than the offender thinks the woman needs.  The chances of her having missed the inner workings of human reproduction are slim, smart ass, but because we’re on the subject of haughty rhetorical questions, you do know there is more than one way to murder a person, don’t you?

You didn’t tell us you were trying for a baby!  No.  No, she didn’t think to share the intricacies of her sex life with you.  How selfish and rude. Next time, she’ll be sure to email you after every orgasm.

Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?  This one doesn’t sound so bad at first, but you never know what hopes, fears, demons, and past experiences plague the recipient.  As a parent of a child with special needs, all I hope for is that the child I’m currently pregnant with doesn’t have to suffer through the same things my son does (though I won’t love him any less if he does), but this seems like an awful long and complicated response to the gender question.  Though it may not seem like it, this last question can be deeply personal for a variety of reasons, so how about just sticking to questions about how we’re doing?  (Although you might be in for an earful with that one as well.)

What other pregnancy comments should people avoid?