Teen Gives Ultimatum to Mom Stuck in the 90s


A local teen, set to go to college a mere ten minutes from her home, is giving her mother an ultimatum to give up her mid-90s attire once and for all.

The teen, who wished to only be identified as “Jenna,” said that if her mom doesn’t leave the clothing of her youth behind, she will apply to schools across the country where her mother can no longer cause her embarrassment instead of staying at home while commuting to and from the local college.

Jenna claims, “I first realized that mom really was stuck in a different decade when I had my 15th birthday slumber party. Mom insisted on blasting some weird EDM music by a guy she said was well-known DJ Paul Oakenfold. I’d never heard of him, and when I looked at the back of the CD (yes, it was a CD) I saw it was made in 1994. My friends and I really just wanted to listen to Adele and Justin Bieber while giving each other pedicures.

“She then walked into the middle of my party wearing these ridiculous wide-leg clown pants paired with a sparkly crop top, carrying a tray of glow sticks, which she then tried to pass out to everyone, saying we needed to get up and dance. I had to chase her from the room before she brought out the strobe light she had waiting in the hall closet. It was mortifying. Some of my friends looked like they wanted to leave.”

Jenna’s friends reported her mother as being “weird,” “crazy,” and “overly nostalgic.”

We were able to reach Jenna’s mother for comment, and in response to her daughter’s ultimatum, she made the following statement: “I don’t understand why I can’t still dress the way I want to dress. I mean, I’m still young, fashionable, and adorable. I can totally get away with it. I catch the eyes of everyone wherever I go.”

While we do not doubt this mother receives a lot of attention from those who spot her walking around in public, we are inclined to speculate they are not staring at her because she looks “fashionable and adorable.” Members of the PTA at Jenna’s school admitted to knowing Jenna’s mother, but declined to comment as they did not wish to cause the teen any further embarrassment.

So where does Jenna go from here? The teen tells us that though she loves her mother dearly, something has to be done to make her realize that she is no longer 17 years old.

“How am I supposed to bring serious boyfriends and business-minded college friends to my house if my mom is going to be parading around in body glitter and pigtails? I can’t have her coming to my volleyball games smiling as she passes out Blow Pops to the other parents. I know she means well, but enough is enough. I need to make a stand. Either she tosses the UFO pants, pacifier necklaces, and beaded PLUR bracelets, or I’m moving out.” Time will tell if Jenna’s plea will be heard.


Jenna’s mom was recently spotted hauling a rather large garbage bag of what appeared to be clothing into the local Goodwill. She was barely recognizable in her leggings paired with a surprisingly sparkle-free sweatshirt. When we approached her, she was happy to tell us that she’s donated all of her 90s clothing to charity, and the remaining tokens of her teen years are now safely packed away in the attic at home.

“It was a small price to pay for my daughter sticking around,” she said. “Besides, I’ve found this new company called LuLaRoe, which Jenna totally deems acceptable, so I can still wear funky clothing decorated with cats, stars, or even garden gnomes whenever I want.” As she drove away we could hear the sound of ancient trance music blasting from the car.

And there you have it: You can take the mom out of the 90s but you can’t take the 90s out of the mom.


About the Author

Marisa Svalstedt is a stay-at-home mom living in Connecticut, with her husband, and their daughter. She received her MA in English from Western Connecticut State. Her writing has been featured on Babble, The Mighty, ParentCo, Her View from Home, and many other publications. In addition to writing she enjoys photography, crochet, and jumping on trampolines.