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Streisand Blames Trump for Weight Gain, We Offer Even More Stress-Related Food Pairings

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The Trump Presidency is driving Americans to the brink.

Meanwhile in Twitterville, funny girl Barbra Streisand is finding the humor in it. She jokes that the insanity of Donald’s presidency is causing her to gain weight due to stress eating.

So apparently stars are just like us because I’m over here like, “You and me both, Babs. You and me both.”

I’m not saying binging on artisanal bread is the answer to our national woes. I’m just saying Panera employees might know me by my first name at this point because I’m eating all these Trumptastic feelings like it’s my job.

Babs, pancakes may be your go-to snack, but I’ve compiled a list of other food pairings to go with your political despair. You know, in case IHOP cuts you off.

Press Conference Fatigue pairs Well With: Cheetos

Are you tired of staring at D. Trump’s pumpkin pie head? Do you wish you could shut his face with a pair of oversized, industrial-strength pliers? Then grab yourself some Cheetos and crunch away. No, you can’t actually crush his skull in your jaw, but your teeth don’t know the difference. Destroy those mini Donald voodoo dolls with your mandible. It just feels right.

The Whiteness of Trump’s Cabinet Pairs Well With: Nilla Wafers

The United States is growing increasingly diverse and there is a desperate need for racial reconciliation. So who does Trump appoint to solve our national problems? A bunch of old, flavorless white billionaires.

The Appointment of Besty Devos as Secretary of Education Pairs Well With: Bear Claws

Devos, an unqualified dingbat, cited the threat of grizzly bears as a reason to support guns in schools, which increases my anxiety about school shootings by 1000%, so pass the donuts.

Pence-Related Homophobia Pairs Well With: A Big, Gay Salad

Celebrate your love of equality by eating a rainbow. Jazz up your romaine with Craisins, toasted walnuts, crumbled goat cheese, glitter, whatever. The more accoutrements in there, the gayer your salad becomes. The point is to make those greens so fabulous, you forget you’re eating lettuce. I’m having a big, gay salad right now in honor of my BFF, Charlie. God, I love him. Even when he nags me about my dumpy hairstyle.

The Ridiculous Border Wall Pairs Well With: Tacos (duh!)

When Republicans start talking about “Bad Hombres” and separating families via unfair deportation, you need tacos and you need them muy rapido!

Press Censorship Pairs Well With: A Liter of Hefeweisen in a Glass Boot

If Trump’s silencing of the press sounds a lot like a certain German Fuhrer, it’s time take a walk down memory lane…All the way back to a 1920’s Munich Hofbrauhaus where the first National Socialist meeting occurred.

Islamaphobia Pairs Well With: Falafel

When your xenophobic coworker embarks on a diatribe in support of the travel ban, open your lunchbox to display falafel, hummus, dolmas and baklava. Then note his sad ham sandwich. I think we know who the real loser is in this scenario.

Russia’s Interference With Our Political Process Pairs Well With: White Russians

The World Health Organization has found Russia’s alcoholism problem to be a health crisis as Russians seek relief from their oppression at the bottom of a bottle of vodka. And you know, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

“Oh Lord, Ben Carson just compared the slave trade to legal immigration” Pairs Well With: “Y’all, I can’t even here.”

Statements like Carson’s are tantamount to blackface and “all lives matter” bullshit. Just pulverize a bottle of Xanax and dump it in a smoothie.

In the spirit of Republican capitalism, maybe Ben & Jerry should start producing new flavors like, “Why, God, Why? Apple Pie,” “Chocolate Chip Cookie Noooooo,” and “This Seems Phishy Food.”

Barbra and I would partake.