By Tiffany Midge
Dearest Parent,
On behalf of Dahlquist’s School for Young Ladies, I am very pleased to announce this year’s fall production will be Pumpkin Splice Girls the Musical, produced by our Savage Lord of Autumnus, with music by Redrum Redrum. It’s sure to be a real humdinger.
We’ve got some extra special surprises this year, what with equinox just around the corner, and we are writing today to let you know that the production crew is looking for a few good acolytes, so reply at your earliest convenience. Pyres positions are going fast! We would also appreciate any financial contributions you might be able to manage, as we are needing to rebuild part of the stage due to last year’s snafu with the production of Little Wicker Women. Who knew that bubble wrap was so flammable?!
You may be familiar with Savage Lord of Autumnus from previous school events; we submitted to his dark arts the year the crops were failing and it behooved us to repay him with the blood of a virgin, so we’re pretty much locked in now. But don’t get me wrong, the students and faculty just love having him slithering around, and he was a big hit at our last car-wash fundraiser, boy howdy! The things a pumpkin-headed daemon can do with invoking the Winds of Temptation to insta-quick dry a Range Rover is really a sight to behold.
We’re quite proud of Pumpkin Splice Girls the Musical and consider ourselves lucky to be presenting it. Of course, Savage Lord of Autumnus pulled some strings for the production rights, but what good is being a supernatural entity if you can’t reap a few benefits? Speaking of reaping, we hope that you will take time out this year to buy tickets for our special raffle, where we have big plans for Mrs. Rena, our resident lunch lady, involving some WD-40 and a spool of mortal coil.
Please sign the attached permission slip and return it as soon as possible. We take pride in our theater program here at Dahlquist’s School for Young Ladies and hope that your daughter will be considered ebullient and luminous enough to participate in our latest production. We always emphasize that there are no small roles, only small actors, and sometimes, when you’re lucky, there are small animals, such as goats, involved as well. Savage Lord of Autumnus has terrific instincts about such things. We understand he’s done some Off Broadway productions of Cats and Terminator vs Predator the Opera.
We understand that there has been concern over some of our students plunging out of turret windows to their demise. We assure you that we have taken every precaution to alleviate this awful business and furthermore we are very dismayed that such exploits have occurred with your lovely daughters whom you’ve entrusted to our care. We also regret ruining anyone’s holiday. We realize the inconvenience this may have caused for your families and have placed safeguards against the potential for any further incidents.
Just one last thing. Savage Lord of Autumnus wishes to extend his reckoning glee with the following message which we will pass along to you: “We are preparing the cornfield, constructing the pyre, bring me your daughters, we sacrifice virgins at dawn.” Isn’t he a hoot?!
Yours Sincerely,
Principal Judith Rorscht
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About the Author
Tiffany is an assistant poetry editor for The Rumpus, and a humor columnist for Indian Country Today Media Network. She has published in Sovereign Bodies, Queen Mob’s Teahouse, The Toast Butter Blog, The Rumpus, and Waxwing. One day she hopes to be the distinguished writer in residence in Seattle’s Space Needle. She opines on Twitter.