By Anna Gracia
If you’re looking on the Internet for tips on how to pick up women (and where else would you look, really?), you may have recently come across a piece written by self-proclaimed “relationship expert” Dan Bacon titled How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones. In it, he spouts helpful gems like “stand in front of her” and “gesture that you want to talk to her by pointing back and forth from you to her,” because women want nothing more than to be forced into an interaction with a strange man who is physically blocking her way and miming to her like a fucking idiot.
After you successfully convince her to stop everything she’s doing and take off her headphones to listen to you, he recommends you avoid “polite” conversation and “communicate sexual interest.”
This, ladies, is clearly a man who knows what women want.
Since Dan is probably too busy mansplaining the complexities of courtship to some cornered jogger, I thought I’d do him a favor and brainstorm some follow-up posts for other situations. You know, just in case his advice of “don’t give up too easily” with headphones girl doesn’t work out.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Reading a Book
Highlights include shutting her book for her so she can realize how much more stimulating you are to talk to and insulting her reading choices to jump-start conversation.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is in a Coffee Shop
Tips like “spill coffee on her” or “invite yourself to sit down at her table” are sure to land some totally legitimate phone numbers.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Watching a Movie
Suggestions include frequenting chick flicks and targeting groups of women to increase the odds one of them will be interested in you.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is at a Sporting Event
This piece would have sample index cards with quiz questions on players’ stats or the history of the sport to spark conversation with potential love mates while standing in line at the concessions stand.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Already With a Man
Calling out, “You’d be better off with a real man, baby” as they walk by and joking about her partner’s penis size will likely lead her to reconsider her relationship priorities.
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Burqa
Don’t let possible religious and cultural differences deter you! Carry a copy of the Quran and ask what she’s wearing underneath (politely, of course)—women love it when you notice their appearance!
You’re welcome, Dan. And you, ladies, who will be the real beneficiaries of such sage advice to men with whom you never knew you wanted to be coerced into a conversation.
*****
About the Author
Anna Gracia is a writer and that person who make jokes in awkward situations. She blogs about movies and the occasional book at The Snarky Reviewer. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.