The No Regrets Farm in Albany, Oregon has started a new trend called “Goat Yoga,” because Oregon is weird AF.
Goat Yoga is exactly what it sounds like: a class where participants do yoga while goats loiter around them (and probably urinate on the grass all willy-nilly…so relaxing.)
For the low price of $10 and the slight inconvenience of traveling to the Middle of Nowhere, Oregon, you, too, can do child’s pose while a petting zoo makes itself comfortable on your yoga mat.
Why in God’s name would people journey all the way to a toilet of a place like Albany, Oregon to frolic in the rain with goats?
According to owner Lainey Morse, Goat Yoga is intended to “specialize in animal-assisted therapy for people suffering from grief or abuse.”
But for whatever reason, Goat Yoga is popular. Mammalian meditation enthusiasts are contacting Morse daily to sign up, and the waitlist is now over 900 people long.
Perhaps I’m overstepping my boundaries here, but I think customers may have a few regrets after they visit The No Regrets Farm and shell out money to do glorified group stretches while surrounded by farm animals.
I grew up near Albany, Oregon, okay? It is NOT a nice place. It has meth labs, and people who keep potbellied pigs as pets, and cults, and tent communes with old hippies who wear tin foil hats so the government can’t read their thoughts.
Albany, Oregon might as well be Deliverance, WV. Those poor, trend-seeking yogis traveling across the country for this are going to leave with questions:
Are the freaky locals going to kidnap me?
Pretty sure that is NOT patchouli I’m smelling. What have I gotten myself into?
I didn’t know goats were so amorous with women in spandex. Will this feeling of a phantom goat boner ever leave my leg?
Did this class come with a free pot brownie or is the guy next to me earnestly rolling around, saying, “I love you, man” to a farm animal?
Also, what kind of bullshit exercise class must I take to heal from the PTSD I acquire after doing downward-facing dog right into a pile of livestock shit?
Will I need to sign up for Peacock Pilates? Zebra Zumba? Cattle Crossfit?
Being a native Oregonian, I have no choice but to rebuke my home state for this hoofed hoax.
Go home, Oregon. You’re high.