By Jill Pond
Earlier this week, parents of Prudey Hills Middle School sought legal action against Pure & True Sex Ed Division (PTSD), an organization that offers comprehensive sexual health education classes to schools across the country. Several parents reported that there were “problems” with the methodology administered by the PTSD staff and demanded that action be taken.
Suzanne Scrump, mother of Chrissy, age 13, was outraged when Chrissy reportedly came home crying after the first in a series of sex ed classes to be held for the kids in 8th grade.
“She came home with red and puffy eyes and she wouldn’t make eye contact. When I asked her what was wrong, she broke down and informed that that she’d looked into the eye of Satan.”
When pressed for more details, Mrs. Scrump continued on: “Once Chrissy calmed down, she said that she saw an actual PENIS in her class. A penis, for God’s sake. How could they be so cruel? She went on to tell me that the male and female teachers went into great detail about disgusting things like oral sex and hand jobs. I don’t even know what a hand job is, but it sounds awful!”
Spokesperson for PTSD, Kunna Lingis, held a press conference late Thursday afternoon to address accusations and answer questions.
“Thank you for being here. The staff at Pure & True Sex Ed Division strives to provide our youth with comprehensive information regarding sexual health. Middle school is a time of sexual awakening, and any day now, they’ll be going down on one another and having intercourse, also called ‘boning.’ Our two main facilitators, Eva and Adam, aim to teach them not only how to be safe, but also how to enjoy the beauty of physical relations. This includes live demonstrations of oral sex and masturbation, an array of sexual positions, and even how to beget a female orgasm. It’s so forward thinking – revolutionary!”
Ms. Lingis went on to say, “So many sex ed classes teach only the basics, like how to put a condom on a cucumber, or how not to get an STD, or that they’ll burn in hell if they have sex before marriage. The average age of marriage these days is 27 years old – these kids will become addicted to porn and become chronic masturbators if they wait this long. Pleasure is nothing to be afraid of and we, the staff at PTSD, want nothing more than for these kids to have a healthy sex life.”
The uneasy crowd demanded answers regarding what went on in that particular sex ed class.
“What types of sex positions were they told about?”
“Oh, Eva and Adam didn’t tell them about it,” answered Ms. Lingis. “They showed them! That is what makes our organization so special. These kids got to see a real-live vulva with lots of hair on it and an average sized penis, also with lots of hair. Adam lied on the yoga mat while Eva straddled him, facing his feet. This is called ‘reverse cowgirl’ and is a real crowd pleaser. We want the girls to know, it’s okay to be on top.”
“That is outrageous,” shouted a man from the back. “And what did they say about oral sex? What sort of sordid acts did these two perverts engage in in front of our kids?”
“Great question, sir. I believe Adam went down on Eva. They normally give brief blowjob demos as well, but I’m not sure Eva was in the mood on that particular day.”
“And how, exactly, did Adam give Eva an orgasm? I mean, what sort of techniques did he use? I think we have a right to know the exact instructions they gave to our kids.”
The questions continued on, and by the end of the press release, a rogue group of parents declared that they deserved to attend the same classes as presented to the kids, claiming they wanted to pre-screen the material before allowing their children to partake.
With lawsuits pending, PTSD agreed to offer adult classes to appease the angry crowd. Six weeks later, we tracked down Mrs. Scrump who reluctantly attended the 5 week course, and she held to the belief that it was disgusting and immoral.
“Those hippy facilitators are completely out of control. I simply took the course to see if the material would be appropriate for Chrissy, and I can say without a doubt, it was not. I saw things no human should see – mouths on crotches and bodies rubbing together to create the devil’s juice. With my own eyes I saw the reverse cowgirl and another sinful act called the sixty-nine. Who in the world would want someone else’s rear end right in their face? I took this information home and told Mr. Scrump about it, but he had difficulty understanding the atrocities I was describing, so I was forced to show him. I refuse to go into detail about my ministrations, but Mr. Scrump was so angry, he began to groan and convulse. I demand PTSD be held accountable for their actions.”
As it turns out, Mrs. Scrump was the minority opinion, and ultimately, the parents of Prudey Hills dropped the suit, claiming the information was life-changing and invaluable. They agreed that teaching pleasure has long been a missing piece of the sex ed puzzle and encouraged the organization to begin holding informational sessions for parents prior to the beginning of the kids’ course.
Since then, Pure & True Sex Ed Division has exploded, expanding their classes to include Texas and Alabama. Additionally, congress voted unanimously to federally fund the program. Pure and True Sex Ed Division continues to spread the joy of passion and women in Louisiana are experiencing orgasms for the first time in their lives.
A worthy cause indeed.
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About the Author
Jill is a seeker, writer and blurter of truth. She is a sexual health educator, a wife to a hoarder of camping gear, mother to 2 wild girls, and walker of 2 stinky dogs. Comedic with a twist of serious, the stories on her blog detail adventures in life. Totally Inappropriate Mom houses her writing where a ‘life-uncensored’ philosophy, naughty humor and general inappropriateness run the show. Check her out on Facebook and Twitter as well.