Entertainment Humor

Olympic Events We Could Totally Qualify For (If They Existed)

By Kristina Johnson

Is a mom capable of watching the Olympics without imagining her child’s future glory? With the Games in full swing, it’s so fun to daydream about seeing my kid atop a podium someday, gold hanging from her neck and the Star Spangled Banner ringing out.

Once upon a time I might have fantasized about being a competitor myself, but these days I see myself as the proud parent trying (and most likely failing) not to lose my shit in the stands. Picture Aly Raisman’s mom and dad, only with less composure and more falling out of my seat.

Unfortunately for my daughter, however, she won’t be inheriting any extraordinary athletic abilities from me (or even ordinary ones, tbh). If I were going for the gold, it would have to be in one of these events:

Sprinting… to the shortest checkout line at Target. I train for this multiple times a week, and I take it very seriously.

Marathon… of Netflix shows. “Are you still watching?” the pop-up asks. Yes. The correct answer is always yes.

Cycling… through the Netflix menu for at least 30 minutes before beginning the aforementioned marathon. What if there’s something better?

Fencing… myself off from the outside world to read books and refresh Instagram. My stamina is unparalleled.

Diving… into Pinterest projects with gusto, only to realize that I lack the ability to spend $200 on craft supplies. And also talent.

Shooting… off at the mouth whenever someone opens up a political can of worms on Facebook.

Wrestling… with the desire to eat like an Olympic swimmer. Actually, I’d kind of suck at this. Probably wouldn’t even make the podium.

Seeing as how none of these events are going to be sanctioned anytime soon (unless you’re interested in signing my petition?), I guess I need to focus on figuring out which sport my baby girl could dominate. She’s really good at bouncing around in her Jumperoo, so I’m thinking I’ve got a budding gymnast on my hands.

Anyone know where the 2032 games are being held?


About the Author

Kristina Johnson is a new mom, writer, and TV producer living in New York City. She loves her daughter deeply but can admit that she wouldn’t mind if babies came with an off-switch. Her interests include books, Netflix, and coming up with snarky responses to people who ask when she’s having baby #2. She blogs regularly at thatmommylady.com.