By Gina of Stage Too
I have an addiction … to Facebook.
I use the reasoning that it is a great tool to be able to keep up with friends and family as well as things happening in the world. Of course, that is not really why I use it so much as I like to cyber stalk others and thumb through Buzzfeed articles. It is where I get amazing ideas for projects I will never start much less complete, where I get to judge others on a superficial level without leaving the comfort of my cookie-crumb-covered yoga pants, and where I get to post that one photo of myself where I successfully contorted to hide my additional chins while still looking natural.
My daughters (4 and 6) also love Facebook. They are constantly pestering me to see pictures of their friends, random animals, and past photos of themselves that I posted. I have to make sure to log out on my phone and iPad so I don’t find them perusing through pictures when they are supposed to be playing educational (ha!) games. My oldest loves Facebook so much that she has asked me multiple times to let her have her own account. Sadly, my excuse of “You can’t read!” has been destroyed by her academic achievements – no doubt fueled by her desire to have an account — and now I am forced to come up with more reasons as to why that ain’t happening.
Lately I have been gathering more and more Facebook friends so I can keep an eye on who my kids hang out with since they have started school, but I don’t accept friend requests from people I don’t personally know. Due to my extremely short-term memory, I always have to check out whoever it is that “friended” me to see if I can get a brain cell or two to spark up a memory of if or how I know them (my brain cells are all half dead from sparking up other things in college *wink, wink*) before I immediately click the deny button.
Although I may not accept their virtual friendship, I do find great entertainment in looking through the photos that are posted of my would-be buddies. I love to see the happy, smiling faces peering at me through the finger-print-and-jelly-covered screen of my phone that I wrestled out of my 4 year old’s vice-like grip. Most people post photos of their kids, pets, cars — must be a guy thing — and, of course, themselves. But every now and again I come across something that is so disturbing — so creepy that it invades my mind like a thong invades your butt during yoga class.
The best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) was a friend request from a gentleman whom we will call Peter. Peter looked a little familiar, about the same age as me, and we even had a few mutual friends, but I couldn’t place him. Chances were that my only run-in was at the grocery store since that is the only other place I frequent other than work.
[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]While scrolling through his photos and posts to see if I knew him, I found where he posted an article about a device gentlemen may purchase to, ahem, enjoy themselves. We are all adults here, so that isn’t odd – no, wait, I was looking on Facebook for crying out loud! But that isn’t where I am going with this; it isn’t exactly news that people post stupid crap.
The item posted was called the Vajankle. Yep, you guessed it. Vaj as in Vagina and Ankle as in ankle. A photo accompanied this article so I could see the disturbing site of what looked to be a severed foot made of “life-like silicon” with a vagina on the top of the ankle where the leg should be. The detail was ridiculously good, down to the French pedicured toenails — well, except the vagina portion was brown. Maybe that is from a bad case of athlete’s vagina?
The site stated it is the flesh-light for those out there with an extreme foot fetish. I sell shoes for fun, and I am here to tell you, feet are fucking nasty. The idea of someone being turned on buy them just — *gag* — puts me at a loss. This was one of the more disturbing things I have ever seen, and I Googled “hysterectomy” before (don’t do that to yourself). Now I cannot un-see it.
It really freaks me out that there is such a high population of people who are so into feet that it made sense for a company to design and produce this item. Who would have guessed there was a demand for life-like severed feet complete with an oddly colored vag on top? Also, can you imagine going into your significant other’s closet and finding this thing or worse, finding him using it? Chances are anyone who would purchase this item is either a serial killer or just extremely single. But still. Ew.
Peter was immediately denied cyber-friendship. No way was I going to grant this creepy pedo-file (get it?) access to pictures of my darling daughters and insight into my household. And now I am thinking that I need to take down all those pictures on my page of the cute shoes I sell.
Ok, now you are going to Google Vajankle, and I cannot say I blame you. But be prepared to see something highly disturbing. While you do that, I am going to go update my passwords on my phone and iPad and recheck the security settings on my Facebook account.
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About the Author
Gina is a wife, mother, and terrible maid pushing paper by day and sweeping crumbs at night. You can laugh with or at her on Stage Too or Facebook.