Stem cell researchers at Yokohama National University in Japan have developed a possible treatment for hair loss. Dimethylpolysiloxane, a silicone added to McDonald’s fries, was used to regrow hair on lab mice. When tested on human skin cells, researchers were able to grow hair follicle germs (HFG), which are the building blocks for new hair growth.

Does this mean we can rub fries on our heads and expect chia-pet-like results? Well, no. Not exactly. Scientists say the compound must be made into an oxygen-permeable form in order to regrow hair. And no doubt pharmaceutical companies will be charging top dollar to whip up oxygen-permeable-dimethylpolysiloxane (PDMS).

I can’t wait to see the packaging for this at my local pharmacy. Will it have a picture of the Hamburglar on it? Ronald McDonald? Grimace? The Fry Guys? Will it be called McRogaine? McHairClubForMen? Can they offer it as the toy prize in a Happy Meal for my bald baby? I have questions.

While I guess this is important research for the many cue balls of the world, I can’t put my finger on what disturbs me the most about this whole thing.

Is it the afro-combover-mice I’m picturing running around a miniature maze somewhere in Japan right now?

Is it the millions of dollars in grant funding that went into curing something as benign as male-pattern baldness?

Is it the fact that SILICONE is added to McDonald’s fries and, according to the sign on my block, the restaurant boasts billions and billions served?

This is altogether unsettling.

I don’t know if I’ll ever need to purchase Dimethylpolysiloxane cream for topical use, but I can tell you one thing: I’m going to stop eating McDonald’s French fries (because OMG GROSS!).

The burgers, on the other hand? Those are delicious, and if a highly educated stem-cell expert tells me that McDonald’s beef patties contain a chemical that causes me to grow a tail, I just might weep (and then I’ll wipe my tears on my shiny, new McTail).

There is no word on when we can expect to see PDMS on the shelves as an actual product, but I know big pharma, and if there’s a market for it, men will be filling their red CVS carts with McHairClubForMen, right alongside their little blue pills and cholesterol medicine asap.

What a time to be alive.