By Celeste Erlach

Sex goddess. Play girl. Queen of desire.

New mom? Fuhgetaboutit…

There needs to be a warning label when we leave the hospital with our newborn baby. THE TUNNEL OF PLEASURE IS NOW CLOSED. And I’m not talking about the six weeks the doctor prescribes of no sex while your baby’s exit tunnel heals … a welcome prescription, I might add. The fact of the matter is, there are few things less desirable than a jaunt in the hay when you’re a new mom.

What at first sounds painful, slowly turns to unappealing, unimportant, and a big waste of energy and time that would be much better spent getting a few extra precious minutes of sleep.

I mean, swap bodily fluids or rest? There’s no question.

And as time goes by, it doesn’t necessarily get better. We are bombarded by physical touch all damn day, not to mention bodily fluids being squirted or projectile vomited all over us. If we are nursing, we are spending half the damn day with a baby attached to our boob, for Christ’s sake. You think I want my hubby rubbing my nipples now? Oh, hell no.

And, TMI alert — the dryness. Oh, the God-forsaken dryness. Yes, honey, you’re fine … It’s not you, it’s me. I’m just tired. What do we REALLY want to say? YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I’M NOT AROUSED RIGHT NOW. You could be Ryan “Hey Girl” Gosling and it wouldn’t make a heap of difference. The libido has left the building. Your breath smells funny, my nipples are raw, and there’s a tear up my vaginal wall trying to heal. Can you please just go find a Candy Crush level to win?

It’s a rough time for both the men and women, right? The men aren’t getting any and the women know they’re not shaking the snake enough. It can lead to marital strife, frustrations, and feelings of dissatisfaction from all parties.

But hark! I can hear the angels sing, ladies. The good news is the pleasure tunnel does come back. It may take a little time (by little, I mean a lot), but you should be back to normal once the kiddos are sleeping through the night and you’re nursing less regularly. It might return one night after a few flirty cocktails, or it might sit the bench until your kids are carted off to kindergarten. Either way, let your hubbies know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (haha, pun intended). Remind them you still think they’re super hot, even though their post-baby bellies mirror your own, and promise lots of sex to make up for lost time (a little white lie never hurt anyone).

So, if you are libidoless and wondering if you will ever want to be touched again, take comfort knowing it’s temporary, it’s perfectly normal, and it’s going to be OK. Now, relax and go back to sleep. Sleep is your lover for now — he is good in bed and satisfying as hell.

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About the Author

Celeste is a mom to two boys under 4, and loves to write about the good, bad, and the “what the heck am I doing??” parts of motherhood. She is also a marketing professional, which has armed her with bountiful experience in cleaning up poop and managing temper tantrums.