New Mom Assaults Friend for Claiming Dog Ownership Similar to Childrearing

New Mom Assaults Friend for Claiming Dog Ownership Similar to Childrearing

By Jessica Ziegler, Co-creator of Science of Parenthood

Maura Fitz, a new mother living in the sleepy suburb of Portstown, New Hampshire was recently charged with assault after cold-cocking her best friend Arlana Wanes over comments the single woman made comparing newborn care to dog rearing.

Witnesses say the two women appeared to be enjoying coffee together at The Sleepy Bean when Fitz rose abruptly, flipped the table, and punched Wanes right in the mouth.

“I don’t know what happened,” said one witness, “but the one in the sweatpants and flip flops just lost it. We had to pull her off the classy one.”

“It was totally unprovoked,” Wanes maintained. “All I said was that I understand how hard it is to have a little one totally dependent on you. She got this crazy look and then clocked me!”

Fitz had recently given birth to her first child, an 8-week-old baby girl.

According to her police statement, after listening to 45 minutes of Wanes detailing her dog care routine, which includes being out for no more than nine hours and being awoken at 8 a.m., even on weekends, Fitz was unable to contain her rage.

“It’s a FUCKING DOG,” Fitz said. “I haven’t slept more than three hours at a stretch for weeks, and she’s bitching to ME about having to get up at 8 a.m.? I could seriously strangle that bitch. I really could.”

Wanes maintained her innocence in the face of her friend’s sudden attack. “My Snorkie, Rensselaer, is very demanding. He really is like a baby. I don’t know why she has such a hard time seeing that. I mean, shouldn’t we be supporting each other?”

When reached for comment, Fitz said, “Support each other? I’m gonna support my foot right up her ass.”


About the Author

Jessica Ziegler is Science of Parenthood‘s co-creator, illustrator and contributing writer. Her writing and illustration have been published on The Huffington Post, and In 2015 she was named a Blogher Humor Voice of the Year. Her books include the highly acclaimed The Big Book of Parenting Tweets and The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets and the upcoming Science Of Parenthood: Thoroughly Unscientific Explanations for Utterly Baffling Parenting Situations (Nov 2015) from She Writes Press.