Ever did the smell test? Dropped your kid off at school bra-less? DRINK!
Humor Parenting

Never Have I Ever (Mom Edition)

Ever did the smell test? Dropped your kid off at school bra-less? DRINK!

By Lauren Lodder of Mommy Owl

Looking for a super fun game to play at your next Moms’ Night Out? If so, you’ve come to the right place. Introducing Never Have I Ever – Mom Edition, a game for all of those awesome mama friends in your life who believe that, among other things, parenthood requires one heck of a sense of humor.

So here you go, mamas! Never Have I Ever…

1. Asked my kids how old they were or momentarily forgotten their names.

2. Celebrated when someone cancelled plans with me because it meant I didn’t have to take a shower or put on makeup or carry on adult conversations.

3. Demonstrated to my younger children how to use the potty, including grimacing, grunting, aiming, wiping and, of course, the double flush.

4. Felt secretly resentful that my kids could sleep anywhere, anytime if they wanted to (and yet they never, ever, ever want to).

5. Dropped an F-bomb in front of my kids on more than one occasion.

6. Stuck my hand in the toilet to retrieve whatever toy had been accidentally-on-purpose lodged in there.

7. Peed my pants a little while sneezing! (Damn you, pelvic floor!)

8. Counted down the minutes until I could put my kids to sleep and enjoy a glass (ok fine, a bottle of wine) in solitude.

9. Gone all “momma bear” and yelled at another kid for bullying my kid.

10. Let my kids watch a movie on Netflix so my husband and I could chiiill in the other room without anyone barging in.

11. Used my hands/clothing to wipe the snot from my kid’s nose or my spit to wipe the filth from his/her face.

12. Felt relief when I saw another tired, stressed and disheveled mom because it meant I wasn’t the only one. (Hallelujah!)

13. Let my kids go a day or two (ok, a week) without putting a single leafy-green or vegetable in their mouths.

14. Used the Smell Test to determine what exactly had been smeared all over the floor.

15. Dropped my kids off at school bra-less, shoe-less and wearing the most hideous pajamas I own because I had no intention of getting out of the car.

16. Spent an entire day planning and preparing the perfect family meal only to have my kids tell me it was “gross” and refuse to eat it.

17. Let my kid take a “nature pee pee” when tracking down a not-completely-disgusting restroom was just too dang inconvenient.

18. Claimed my child was younger than he/she really was at the time because I really wanted a discount.

19. Taken a mini-vacation in the laundry room/bathroom/shower because I needed some friggin’ alone time.

20. Acted like a total goofball in public with my kids (i.e. singing, dancing, making high-pitched animal noises) because whatevs.

21. Posted a picture of my kids on social media that I sorta, kinda, maybe wish in retrospect I hadn’t.

22. Bribed my kids to eat their food, go to sleep, get dressed, use the toilet, and (please, oh please) not make me look like the worst mom ever.

23. Spent an obscene amount of money on a toy for my kid that I secretly just wanted for myself.

24. Thought to myself, I really hope no one realizes I have no idea what I’m doing.

25. Fallen apart in front of my kids – as in screaming and sobbing in the fetal position – because sometimes motherhood is so effing hard. 

26. Went so many days without, ahem, adequately grooming that I began to have some genuine sympathy for Pig-Pen.

27. Let my kid eat something that had fallen on the floor looong past the 5-second rule.

28. Been slightly aroused by the thought of having a full night of uninterrupted sleep.

29. Thrown caution to the wind and let my kid ride commando in the car because he/she had an epic diaper blowout, and I was totally unprepared. 

30. Snuck back into my kids’ room at the end of the night, even though they had driven me up the wall all day, just so I could kiss their chubby lil’ cheeks and watch them sleep. (Aaand then I kicked a toy woke them up.)

photo credit: Colby Elizabeth Photography

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About the Author

Lauren Lodder earned her BA from UC Berkeley and her MA from CSUF. Before becoming at WAHM and a freelance writer, she taught English literature at the college level. You can find her on Facebook and on Twitter. Her work has appeared on The Huffington Post, The Mighty, Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Mamalode, Blunt Moms, and Houston Moms Blog. Read more at mommyowl.com